I’m becoming that person I never wanted to be
the one I always looked at as not being as good as me
the one who I thought just didn’t care.
But when I’m honest, I see that I’ve become that person…
or am becoming that person.
I hate it

I despise broken promises to pray for friends
I despise being just too tired to pray
I hate that I hate the one gift that I thought was so special between Him and me
I hate that within me the start of a cold, hardened heart resides

and I hate that even though I try…
nothing seems to work
or motivate

or break me from this trance of complacency.

He spoke John 15:16 to me – reminding me that it was He who had the power to chose…and used that power to choose me
I cried. 

For an hour… I cried

He’s the only one to EVER choose me. 
And I still struggle in choosing Him…
in Choosing to speak to him when my eyes are heavy
in choosing to read his words when I’d rather work

in choosing to ASK to NO LONGER HEAR HIS VOICE

because seeing what he sees and feeling what He feels
is too confusing and hurts way too much.

I constantly choose not to choose Him
But the funny thing is…

He continues to Choose me

Abba I am so so sorry.  Please don’t take your voice and your spirit and your presence from me.    I don’t want to be in this place.  I don’t want to stare blankly at your scriptures.  I don’t want to grow numb to your voice.  I want to choose you…thank you for choosing me, and using me, and loving me.  Let your truth sink in – that you chose me – Let your truth transform and free me from the lies that constantly fight this truth in my heart.  I want to live as one chosen…it’s about time I lived as one chosen.  Abba please.