Monthly Archives: March 2008

To Dan (only part of the poem)

Posted by Amy W in Christianity, Poetry, Prayer, Random Thoughtz

some of my thoughts to Dan…

Don’t you see the answer has never left your side?
Running from excuses,
Can’t surrender your pride.
why do I try?
Why don’t you seek?
The raped and abused,
The druggies and the freaks.
We are the blessed,
most loved of them all.
yet you still hide
guarded by this wall.
I can barely peek in.
Covered in your sin
You want to be free,
But refuse to believe
Longing to see
Truth,
Love,
and Life.
God, Eternally

“Why were you looking for me”, [Jesus] asked, “Didn’t you know I had to be in my father’s house”.  (Luke 2:49)

Too many people look for love, happiness, peace, acceptance and so much more in all the wrong places.  Going in and out of  each day, trying to find fulfillment and love from anywhere we can find it.  The truest fulfilment and True Love come from God alone, which we can only find in His House, in His Word, and through Faith in Him.  Why would we even think to look for it first in any other place? (I don’t know either, but we do…I did)  It saddens me to talk to friends who continue in these reckless habits…looking for something that will last, but always coming up with pain, frustration, and the need for more.  I pray one day their eyes will be opened, they will be reminded, and they will surrender control to God in Heaven. Father, don’t forget your lost, show them your love, and guide them to a relationship with you. Amen

(I have a few thoughts stirring in my heart.  Hopefully I can get them out over the next few days…until then, enjoy this segment from one of my poems, written in 2001 and originally posted in April 2005).

For Those Who Prayed…

Posted by Amy W in Christianity, Devotional, Prayer, Random Thoughtz

Unless the Lord had given me help,
I would soon have dwelt in the
Silence of death.
When I said, ‘My foot is slipping,’
Your Love, O Lord, supported me.
When anxiety was great within me,
Your consolation brought joy into my soul.
(Psalm 94:17-19)

I just want to thank my readers and friends who prayed in response to my post earlier this week.  Over the last 3 years of writing, I have shared the highs and lows of my journey.  I decided I would continue that honesty on my new blog.  Pursuing God is not clean cut, but rather messy, confusing, and sometimes it is seemingly impossible.  I am a work in progress…and my only hope is to encourage others and to hopefully bring God Glory.  I say all of this because, for those who read and responded to my Personal Ramblings post, I wanted you to know that God heard your heart and mine…and if you’ve trekked along with me this past week, I hope you have already seen how He’s been working to bring Truth into it all.       

Last night I gathered with a group to pray and worship.  I had opened my Bible and was randomly opened to Psalm 96.  I may have even shared from that passage, but looking back now, I’m not sure what scripture I prayed through.  There came a point in our prayer when I thanked God for meeting me this week and pulling me from the experience that gripped me Monday night.  

I opened my eyes a few moments later and my eyes glanced down on my open Bible only to see those verses from Psalm 94 staring back at me.

I still don’t know what gripped me so deeply that I found myself where I did Monday night, but I do know that by Wednesday God was speaking loud and clear to my heart…it started Wednesday and even through the moments right before I sat down to type this out, God has been consoling me…His joy is filling and over-filling my soul (Thank You Jesus!).  EVERYTHING I have come across through devotional, scripture reading, and hanging out with friends has spoken to me in ways I can’t describe.  Praise God!!

I still know nothing.  I still struggle to control and wish I understood anything beyond what I think might happen tomorrow.  This journey of Faith is still hard.  But, as the Psalm says, God’s love is supporting me.  Right now my eyes are fixed on Him and as a result I truly believe the weight of what I don’t know and understand is fading in the backdrop of His presence (see Phil 4:6-9).

So, if you read my personal ramblings and responded in Prayer, I want to thank you…God is so, so FAITHFUL!

As hard as it is…I know God is working.  In the eloquent words of Hannah Whitehall Smith:

“Having, therefore, taken the step of faith by which you have put yourself wholly and absolutely into His hands, you must now expect Him to work.  His way of accomplishing that which you have entrusted to Him may be different from your way; but He knows best and you must be satisfied.” (God is Enough, p.67- March 23)

I don’t know what God may be asking you to trust him for.  Sometimes it’s the best feeling in the world to just “let go and let God”, but other times it seems like the hardest thing for us to do.  God wants faith and trust…when we give that to Him, He is best able to do that which he has purposed for our lives.  I’m right there on that journey…walking…stumbling…and sometimes flat out crawling along.  Know that you’re not alone…and I’ll also cling to the fact that there are others walking with me…and together we’ll know that that God is here with us…walking, sometimes carrying…and always working out His plans, especially in those moments where we are unable to see. 

Defining the Glory of God

Posted by Amy W in Christianity, Devotional, Jesus, Scripture

 

I have to admit that I love when the same thought or idea seems to just pop up over and over.  It’s like a simple reminder that truth is before you – truth that should be caught and stored in your mind and heart.  A post-it from God…maybe?   Ha! Kidding.  Such has been my experience over the last 24 hours. 

Last night I sat around a table talking with Brothers and Sisters about what we were learning, what we were questioning, the books we were reading – Christ, of course, being at the center of it all.  Somewhere between the deep conversation, good laughs and a little brie (the horrible, horrible brie), the topic of Glory entered into the conversation.  One questioned what exactly the Glory is that we so often speak of.  Several of us spoke our thoughts and ideas on the topic.  As the conversation continued I wondered if we were attempting to define something that is above human measure and definition.  I still wonder that. 

Nonetheless a beautiful passage of scripture entered the conversation.  I read 2 Corinthians 3:7-11.  It speaks of Glory – the glory that Moses had to mask and the surpassing Glory that now shines because of Christ and the new covenant established through his death on the cross.  Someone went on to share from a devotional written by N.T. Wright on the idea of God’s Glory, what it is, and what it might look like.  Drawn in to the scriptures I had just read, I continued reading Paul’s thoughts to myself.  I couldn’t believe what was before my eyes:  verses 12-18 speak even more of God’s glory.  It describes how with Christ the veil that was held over our heads had been removed and that those who believe and follow after Him are chosen to reflect God’s glory.  It says that we are “being transformed” (continual, ongoing, happening even now) into God’s likeness with “ever-increasing” Glory.  I read those words over and over to myself.  Just between you and me, I felt like I was falling in love with the truth therein.  Unable to contain the fire that burned within, I shared those verses and the thoughts that had brewed in my heart.      

This morning during my devotional, I read these words from Hannah Whitehall-Smith (Her devotional referenced the very verses that had captivated me last night):

“Our part is to trust, and God’s part is to work.  His work is to deliver us from the power of sin…We are to be actually changed into the same image from glory to glory…we are to be transformed by the renewing of our minds that we may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God.(Rom 12:2)…Somebody must do the work.  Either we do it for ourselves or someone does it for us.  Most of us have tried to do it for ourselves and have grievously failed.  Then we discovered…that it is something we are unable to do, but that the Lord Jesus Christ has come to do it and will do it for all who put themselves wholly in His hands and trust without reserve.

Now then, under these circumstances what is the part of the believer and what is the part of the Lord?  Plainly, the believer can do nothing but trust, while the Lord, in whom he trusts, actually does the work entrusted to Him.”

(God Is Enough, p.66, March 22)

Beautiful. 

So what is Glory defined?  I’m still not sure I know.  But I do know that a group of born again Christians sat around on the night that celebrates Christ’s death on the cross…living out that very transformation that Paul spoke of in 2 Corinthians 3:7-18.  The only force acting in us is the same force that drew us together last night…and is the same force that led me to Hannah Whitehall Smith’s words this morning… It is the movement and Work of God – It is the power that is released through Christ.  It is that truth of who we are that allowed me to see myself a little differently as I stared into the mirror this morning.  What is Glory?  It is God, it is the manifestation of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit working in and all around us.  Today I challenge you, look into the eyes of a stranger and see if you see something of God reflecting back at you.  If you don’t, pray and ask God to give you the eyes to see what He would see while staring at that person. 

I feel like I can barely begin to unravel the layers upon which God has spoken to my heart over the last 24 hours.  In Celebration of the Easter Holiday, I’ll just finish with these final thoughts…

As believers, we are God’s adopted children.  Out of every good and beautiful thing that God created on earth, He chose us to bear the fullness His image.  It’s is by God’s design that we ultimately reflect His glory in a way that is unsurpassed in the rest of creation.  Even while our sin and flesh work to distort those very things, God reaches out to us.  Over 2000 years ago, He accomplished on the Cross that which we are unable to accomplish for ourselves even today.  It is Christ’s death that frees us up and for those who are willing, so begins a work of ever-increasing transformation – a work that ultimately fulfills His purposes for us here on earth = a purpose that does nothing but bring Him Glory. 

“Jesus Wept”

Posted by Amy W in Christianity, Devotional, Jesus, Scripture

  John 11:35 – the shortest verse in the bible.  I’ve head it called the most beautiful verse in the Bible by some.  Today, I can’t help but wonder, what was it that caused Jesus to weep?  Was Jesus overcome with compassion on those who were weeping around him?  Was he weeping for the pain of his friends Mary and Martha over the loss of their beloved brother Lazarus?  Or was He weeping because they still didn’t believe…at least not fully?  While I do believe God has compassion on us and cares about the details of our lives, I’m inclined to think that Jesus was not weeping because of their sadness, but rather weeping at their lack of belief.

We find that small verse in the context of John 11 – the story of Lazarus, his death and his subsequent raising from death.  Scripture is very clear in noting that Jesus knew when Lazarus became sick but deliberately delayed his arrival for the purpose of glorifying God.  When he finally does arrive, Lazarus had died and had been dead for 4 days.  Everyone was very upset and saddened by everything. 

I pondered this story as I drove to work and the thing I found most interesting was this: both Mary and Martha believed in Jesus.  Both said, at different times, “if only you had been here, our brother would not have died (v. 21, 32).  They knew Jesus was special and sincerely believed He could have healed Lazarus of his sickness – keeping him alive.  Even Martha said to Jesus, “I have always believed you are the Messiah…” (v. 27).  Shouldn’t Jesus have been excited that they believed these things? 

I’m sure he was, but I can’t help but wonder if there was disappointment that ultimately led to his weeping.  Actually, I think there was.  Mary and Martha (and those who also thought Lazarus could have been saved if only Jesus had come sooner) believed in the power that Jesus had and the things he said, but their reactions to their current circumstance, reveals some lingering unbelief in their hearts.  Surely Jesus could have healed Lazarus before he died, but now that he’s dead, Lazarus is lost forever.  Even moments after claiming him to be the Messiah, Martha tries to stop him from opening Lazarus’ tomb… not yet realizing or believing what Jesus could still do. 

How easily can I, and perhaps many of us relate to this scene?  We see our current circumstances and become overcome by the things we see.  We find ourselves saddened because we may appear to be alone, or we think God has forgotten us or our need.  We see that God has not “arrived” to do the things we expected in the manner we expect them and we cry out to Him as if He missed His opportunity to work. 

The incredible thing with Lazarus is that Jesus did heal him…not just from sickness, but from death itself.  Jesus showed up, late in the eyes of some, but clearly right on time with regards to God.  Jesus knew the hearts of Mary and Martha, and the others who wanted Lazarus to remain on earth…and He met those desires in a way they never even considered possible. 

In our lives, do we find ourselves disappointed because God hasn’t met our desires in the ways we thought possible?  In the timing we thought was necessary?  Or do we fight for a joy in Him, regardless of what we understand and see around us?  Do we cry out with “God, if only you had _____”  or do we trust Him, expecting that God knows and works in ways that are above comprehension…for purposes that ultimately bring Him Glory both in the eyes of His Children and in the eyes of those standing around watching His plans unfold?

Lord, I believe.  Help my unbelief.  Father, I thank you that you have not abandoned me.  I want so badly to make sense of everything.  I want to know the big picture…help me to trust in your control and timing of everything that has brought me worry over the past several days.  God if my expectations are anything like those of Martha and Mary, I can’t help but rejoice in the idea that you’re deliverance may be something more than I could have ever imagined you being able to do.  You are never late…please give me the strength to trust…especially in those moments I am the weakest. Glorify your name…with everything.

Personal Ramblings…

Posted by Amy W in Prayer, Random Thoughtz

 Have you ever felt like just when you thought you were standing strong…someone pulls the rug out from under you and suddenly you find yourself no longer standing, but instead falling quickly on your face (or butt…depending on which way they pull).

That has been me for the last two days. 

I took a profile test for work.  It was used to quantify strengths and weaknesses, personal motivators, and core behaviors/attributes that I possess.  I LOVE personality tests…and I like doing them with work.  I’m not your typical engineer.  Actually, my personality is very non-engineering.  All my co-workers are usually grouped into one or two categories, and I’m always off on the other side of the room, by myself.  It’s funny actually, but I love it.  I like that I have a niche.  I like that I can do my job, but I’m different from everyone else so I tend to have a different perspective and can bring stuff to the table that others usually do not.  Needless to say, I was excited for this test. 

We did all-day training yesterday.  We were given job profiles for various jobs in the company to see where we matched up.  Most of the attributes needed, I had, but my motivators were all off.  I was a little disappointed, because jobs I thought I would like a lot, this test is now telling me I wouldn’t like them very much at all because I don’t share the same motivators.  For someone who has spent the past 4 years wanting to pursue another career, this shouldn’t have come as a surprise, but yesterday it rocked me – I mean ROCKED me. 

I left training to go to the bible study I lead for high school students.  No one showed up.  I was praying and asking God what he wanted me to do.  Should I keep the study or end it.  5 minutes later 2 people came into the room I was using telling me that starting next week, they were taking over for their group.  No one even told me.  Maybe God answered my prayer.  Maybe the answer is “give up”

As I drove home last night, I was exhausted from thinking too much, too fast.  I thought about the progression of the small group and its decline.  The other leader is great with the girls and had fun studies…I, on the other hand, never did a very good job leading the study (I had never led, much less led high school girls)…It was the weeks after I led that things started thinning out (or at least that’s what came to mind last night). 

With everything that was stripped away over the past year and a half, I thought this was the one thing I knew God wanted me to do …I thought for sure this was where He wanted me (wants me).  But it’s a failure.  If God really led me in this direction, why would it fail?  Why would he let it fail?  I wonder if I was completely wrong with everything.  If I was wrong, I’m standing here with no direction for my life – not in ministry…not in work.  nothing. 

I pray and ask, but nothing…no direction…no “go ahead”… nothing.  The fact that my mind is constantly racing and thinking and analyzing and “figuring out” doesn’t help at all.  So with all these thought floating in my head: my career, small group, and ministry in general it started to hit me.  For the first time in over 7 years I felt completely out of control…purpose, mission, direction all fell to the side and I found myself completely lost.  The attack came out of no where.  It had been so long since I had anything like it happen, even still, it was oddly familiar.  This time, unlike the ones in my teen years, it was almost as if I saw darkness swarming around me, suffocating me as I sank into that pit of anxiety and panic.  I tried to pray…I couldn’t.  I tried to call a few friends…no answer.  Faster the breaths became…deeper the fear sank.  A vicious cycle it was.  

I sat in a one-on-one coaching session today.  I did everything I could to hold back tears.  For the first time in over 4 years I saw 2 jobs that I am genuinely interested in having someday.  In less than the time it took for our 30 minute session…I felt my feet pull out from under me as the coach told me to pursue another career (without any hint as to what I might try).  I had another career in the grips of my hand and God took this away…now someone else is taking this career away as well??  Another thing I thought I knew snatched from my grip. 

I’m back to knowing nothing…and so further I fall.

I’m sure I sound ridiculous, and perhaps I’m not yet able to write how much this is tearing me down, but I’m at a loss.  I don’t know what to do, and I don’t know where this anxiety and craziness is coming from and prayer has left me in silence…expecting something with no resolve.

I really don’t know what’s wrong with me.  But I could certainly use prayer.