“A hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life.”(Proverbs 13:12)
Without knowing what he was saying, and who he was saying it to the new executive pastor at my church shared this verse with me in the context of some decisions that were made regarding leadership over our youth ministry. The words “a hope deferred” weighed heavy on my mind for hours after our conversation.
Before I know it May will be here and it will mark the 2 year anniversary of being accepted to go to Japan as a Church Planter. The one constant, the big hope I had for almost the entire time I had walked with Jesus was made a reality in my life…well, almost.
In January 2007 the doors started opening up…the road blocks I had hit between my interview with Access Access and this point were quickly fading away. I started to see the light at the end of the tunnel…well, almost.
My sermon notes on Feb. 4, 2007 consisted of the following:
I stand here today viewing the road ahead
wanting to trust and move as I’m led
but I sense the storms and turbulence to come
I’m held down by fear, my belief undone
But nearby you stand, the perfection of Love
you laid down your life and rose above
Giving strength to all those who are weak
and wisdom to guide all who will seek
So what can I do but cling to your love
As I lay down my life and rise above
Holding your hands, I’m finally free
As you make me whole, I can help but believe.
© wingfiea February 4, 2007
The only other words on my paper were SACRIFICE and FAITH (they became the title of the poem, coincidentally…and words that would come to describe the next year like no other). I remember that day. I cried pretty hard knowing that I had no choice but to follow God’s leading…no matter what.
In March 2007 I remember telling some of my dear friends that God may be asking me to surrender my desires for Japan to Him (not necessarily give up, just hold them open handed). I felt like He was asking me to trust Him…no matter what.
Within weeks I was pretty certain that God was saying “No” to Japan. I still don’t know if that means not now, or not ever. The funny thing was that nearly a year before this my mission’s pastor asked me what I would do if the agency didn’t accept me. I broke down crying in his office…I told him my life would have been over (and I believed it). Now a year later…the “no” came, and clearly my life was not over…in fact, I was so enamored with God and the heights that God had taken me in the passing months…disappointment wasn’t even an option for me. At that point, I was excited to see what He had planned and ready to walk on faithfully…no matter what.
In July of 2007 I led a group of high school students to Ghana, West Africa. Something I never imagined I would do, but loved every minute of it!
Fall 2007 a few high school girls approached me about wanting to start a bible study…something I had been praying for since the spring.
Fast forward to now…March 2008. I didn’t exactly realize what was going on in my heart until recently. I knew I had been grasping for anything and everything, but I didn’t see what was going on. This past weekend a few random conversations about ministry, leadership, and church planting really opened my eyes to some bitterness, anger and pain buried in my heart. I said some pretty strange things that even surprised me.
It wasn’t until the Pastor shared with me the verse from Proverbs that the puzzle of the past few days (and months) began to fit together. For nearly 5 years my hope was in being a missionary in Japan…my hope grew once I was accepted to actually go and I started working with the church to get there. It was there…and just like that it was gone. My hope was deferred, and as scripture says my heart really is “sick”. I was on such a high a year ago that I didn’t even realize what was going on inside me when the change came my way. It wasn’t until I began to enter this more recent, harder season that the effect of the deferred hope began to rear its ugly head. It became very apparent this weekend over a series of random conversations that something was going on within me and it needed to be dealt with. I don’t know what this means other than I realize there is pain and disappointment in my heart (and the fruit of it is evident in some of my words, prayers and recent conversations)…and now that I see it, I can call it what it is and hand it over to God. I don’t know what will change, but at least I am aware that part of me is still hurting from the changes that have come over the past year or so.
As I drove to my church on Monday night, something else began to sink in. I don’t know what God is doing, but I know He’s working – I see it. I’ve always been comfortable around non-Christians and have watched God do great things in the world, but now I’m learning to be comfortable around Christians. I’m learning to lead a bible study. I’m learning what incompetence feels like and how the enemy will try to take advantage of that. I’m seeing more and more messy-ness (in the church and in people) and learning to respond maturely. I’m learning what it means to be a leader and part of a ministry team. I’m feeling a burden for Christians to grow closer in their relationship with God and am (hopefully) learning how to walk alongside them. Monday it became so clear to me – everything that I’m doing now (some things for the first time ever) is stuff I would be doing if I were planting churches in Japan (minus the insane warfare and cross-cultural stress) or planting churches here in the US. I don’t know what is in store for the future, but I can’t help but think that as hard and uncomfortable as this might be right now, God is very purposeful in this season of my life…whether it is for me or for others…it’s definitely and most importantly All For His Glory.
The great thing about Proverbs 13:12 is the end of the sentence:
“…but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life”
I don’t know what that looks like with respect to my “deferred hope” of ministry/missions/church planting, but the implication of the statement is absolutely beautiful…I can only pray that I will see it’s fruition in my lifetime.
