Monthly Archives: March 2008

Finding God in Sex…

Posted by Amy W in Christianity, Jesus, Sex

I’m reading the Book Sex and the Supremacy of Christ Edited by John Piper and Justin Taylor.  In the opening of the book, John Piper lays 2 foundational points on which the rest of the book’s multi-authored essays are to expound upon.  First, he states the claim that sexuality is designed by God as a way to know God more fully.  The second is that knowing God is designed by God as a way of guarding and guiding our sexuality.  On the surface, both ideas are ones I find agreeable and are ones that have been preached upon in various ways by several authors and speakers.  As I continued reading Piper’s opening essay, however, I found myself very uncomfortable with how he explained the first idea. 

The first idea presented by Piper is that God designed sexuality as a way to know him more fully.  His usage of “know” is very similar to how Adam knew Eve (Gen. 4:1) and how Joseph did not “know” Mary, though she was found with child (Matthew 1:24-25).  I guess my hang up is the adjoining of “knowing” (i.e. the intimacy that can be shared as two people engage with one another sexually) and God. 

Piper discusses the imagery of sinful Israel as compared to a whore and his unrelenting mercy toward her.  He wraps up the introduction of this point with this statement: 

“God made us powerfully sexual so that he would be more deeply knowable.  We were given the power to know each other sexually so that we might have some hint of what it will be like to know Christ supremely…God means for human sexual life to be a pointer and foretaste of our relationship with him.” (p.30)

I have to be honest here.  As I read the first few pages of the first chapter where Piper presented his first point, I became very uncomfortable.  I’m not sure why, but the mere idea of our sexuality, our shared intimacy, the peaks of ecstasy that one reaches during sexual relations with another, as being a “foretaste of our relationship with Him” creeps me out a little.  I was uncomfortable enough to where I didn’t know whether Piper was right or wrong.  I agreed with scripture, but something didn’t sit right…

To me, Piper’s first idea sounded a little too much like the ideas held by some pagans and cult groups – the ones that use and manipulate sex that promise the climax you attain is how you know God fully or is some form of spiritual awakening. 

My mind also wandered to the Unification church and the abuse of sexual rites by its founder Reverend Moon.  In their “holy text” The Divine Principle, it presents the idea that the original sin was Eve getting caught having sex with Satan.  As a result, Moon presented the idea (early in his cult’s history) that because of this act between Eve and Satan, every woman was born naturally dirty and had to be cleansed by him before she could consummate a marriage with her soon-to-be husband.  What this means is that Moon told women that in order for them to be cleansed of Eve’s original sin, they had to sleep with him – it was only after sleeping with him would they be able to present themselves as “pure and whole” on their wedding night. 

Lastly, and perhaps the strongest source of discomfort as I read through Piper’s opening remarks stemmed from my own past experiences and beliefs of sexuality.  Even in my life, as a result of both choice and force, the reality of sex and sexuality became nothing more than another physical interaction between two people.  No intimacy…no love…and surely nothing I would want to think of as a glimpse of the fullness of my relationship with Christ. 

The funny thing is that really, I am in full agreement with all that Piper presents in this first chapter, including his usage of scripture and its application to the ideas surrounding sex and sexuality.  Perhaps then, my discomfort is less an indicator of any fault or falsehood in his first point…and more of an indicator of just how distorted sex, sexuality and intimacy has become in today’s society.

I have only read through the first chapter, but already I’m very uncomfortable and deeply saddened.  IF the points presented by Piper are in fact correct it means that we (our culture/society as a whole) have completely missed the mark with regards to sex and sexuality.  Not only have we missed the mark in understanding its purpose, but we have taken something that was intended to be holy and beautiful and have deduced it to little more than a pastime or vehicle by which we attempt to serve only ourselves with good feelings, validation, and power.  We have made that which God intended to point directly to our shared intimacy with Him, into something that exists and is used primarily for the purpose of ourselves.

Where do I go from here?

Posted by Amy W in Random Thoughtz

I spoke with one of the pastors at my church. 

For a while I was a “missionary in training” – Japan or bust.  I told the agency I would not raise support when I felt and accepted God’s ”no”.  The pastor I worked most closely with is in another state (pratically) planting a church…I wonder what they wanted to do with me…or if they even wondered about me at all. 

I approached this pastor and wanted to talk to him about what had been going on with me…what I was praying about.  I guess I wanted him to know that my heart still beats for ministry.  I was nervous. 

He asked what I wanted to do…
I don’t know.

Everything that I’m doing now is not what I wanted to do or thought i would do.  I feel like God gives me just enough nudge or direction to get through that day.  I know I’m where He wants me…sometimes I still wish I knew why or where this journey is leading me.

For 5 years everything I did revolved around being in Japan.  Everything I did was to mold myself into that person.  Now I see things differently…and still, after a year, have no idea where I’m headed

“By faith Abraham, when called to go to a place he would later recieve as his inheitance, obeyed and went, even though he did not know where he was going.” (Hebrews 11:8)

Even to this day that verse carries me.  I repeat it to myself who knows how many times a week.  And just when I need a reminder that I’m headed in the right direction..someone else brings it up…at just the right time.  gotta love it.

Now that I’ve come to see my identity lies in Christ and NOT being a church planter in Japan…who am I in Christ?  How am I really gifted?  How can I leverage those gifts to reconcile and begin to live out the burdens and desires in my heart? 

I can’t express the dilema the question, “what do you want to do” presented for me tonight.  How can I answer that when I still wrestle with the question of what I can do in church/ministry to begin with.

I don’t remember the last time I was that nervous talking to somene…

confusing night.

Maybe?

Posted by Amy W in Uncategorized

Here is a new blog.  No advertisements.  I don’t know how to use this thing…or how to set up my page so that it fits me.  Maybe this will become my new blog address. 

 wordpress or typepad?  it’ll be one or the other…

A Hope Deferred

Posted by Amy W in Christianity, Poetry, Random Thoughtz

 

 

“A hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life.”(Proverbs 13:12) 

Without knowing what he was saying, and who he was saying it to the new executive pastor at my church shared this verse with me in the context of some decisions that were made regarding leadership over our youth ministry.  The words “a hope deferred” weighed heavy on my mind for hours after our conversation. 

Before I know it May will be here and it will mark the 2 year anniversary of being accepted to go to Japan as a Church Planter.  The one constant, the big hope I had for almost the entire time I had walked with Jesus was made a reality in my life…well, almost.   

In January 2007 the doors started opening up…the road blocks I had hit between my interview with Access Access and this point were quickly fading away.  I started to see the light at the end of the tunnel…well, almost. 

My sermon notes on Feb. 4, 2007 consisted of the following:

I stand here today viewing the road ahead
wanting to trust and move as I’m led
but I sense the storms and turbulence to come
I’m held down by fear, my belief undone
But nearby you stand, the perfection of Love
you laid down your life and rose above
Giving strength to all those who are weak
and wisdom to guide all who will seek
So what can I do but cling to your love
As I lay down my life and rise above
Holding your hands, I’m finally free
As you make me whole, I can help but believe.
© wingfiea February 4, 2007

The only other words on my paper were SACRIFICE and FAITH (they became the title of the poem, coincidentally…and words that would come to describe the next year like no other).  I remember that day.  I cried pretty hard knowing that I had no choice but to follow God’s leading…no matter what.   

In March 2007 I remember telling some of my dear friends that God may be asking me to surrender my desires for Japan to Him (not necessarily give up, just hold them open handed).  I felt like He was asking me to trust Him…no matter what. 

Within weeks I was pretty certain that God was saying “No” to Japan.  I still don’t know if that means not now, or not ever.  The funny thing was that nearly a year before this my mission’s pastor asked me what I would do if the agency didn’t accept me.  I broke down crying in his office…I told him my life would have been over (and I believed it).  Now a year later…the “no” came, and clearly my life was not over…in fact, I was so enamored with God and the heights that God had taken me in the passing months…disappointment wasn’t even an option for me.  At that point, I was excited to see what He had planned and ready to walk on faithfully…no matter what.

In July of 2007 I led a group of high school students to Ghana, West Africa.  Something I never imagined I would do, but loved every minute of it!      

Fall 2007 a few high school girls approached me about wanting to start a bible study…something I had been praying for since the spring.   

Fast forward to now…March 2008.  I didn’t exactly realize what was going on in my heart until recently.  I knew I had been grasping for anything and everything, but I didn’t see what was going on.  This past weekend a few random conversations about ministry, leadership, and church planting really opened my eyes to some bitterness, anger and pain buried in my heart.  I said some pretty strange things that even surprised me.   

It wasn’t until the Pastor shared with me the verse from Proverbs that the puzzle of the past few days (and months) began to fit together.  For nearly 5 years my hope was in being a missionary in Japan…my hope grew once I was accepted to actually go and I started working with the church to get there.  It was there…and just like that it was gone.   My hope was deferred, and as scripture says my heart really is “sick”.  I was on such a high a year ago that I didn’t even realize what was going on inside me when the change came my way.  It wasn’t until I began to enter this more recent, harder season that the effect of the deferred hope began to rear its ugly head.  It became very apparent this weekend over a series of random conversations that something was going on within me and it needed to be dealt with.  I don’t know what this means other than I realize there is pain and disappointment in my heart (and the fruit of it is evident in some of my words, prayers and recent conversations)…and now that I see it, I can call it what it is and hand it over to God.  I don’t know what will change, but at least I am aware that part of me is still hurting from the changes that have come over the past year or so.  

As I drove to my church on Monday night, something else began to sink in.  I don’t know what God is doing, but I know He’s working – I see it.  I’ve always been comfortable around non-Christians and have watched God do great things in the world, but now I’m learning to be comfortable around Christians.  I’m learning to lead a bible study.  I’m learning what incompetence feels like and how the enemy will try to take advantage of that.  I’m seeing more and more messy-ness (in the church and in people) and learning to respond maturely.  I’m learning what it means to be a leader and part of a ministry team.  I’m feeling a burden for Christians to grow closer in their relationship with God and am (hopefully) learning how to walk alongside them.  Monday it became so clear to me – everything that I’m doing now (some things for the first time ever) is stuff I would be doing if I were planting churches in Japan (minus the insane warfare and cross-cultural stress) or planting churches here in the US.  I don’t know what is in store for the future, but I can’t help but think that as hard and uncomfortable as this might be right now, God is very purposeful in this season of my life…whether it is for me or for others…it’s definitely and most importantly All For His Glory.   

The great thing about Proverbs 13:12 is the end of the sentence:

 “…but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life” 

I don’t know what that looks like with respect to my “deferred hope” of ministry/missions/church planting, but the implication of the statement is absolutely beautiful…I can only pray that I will see it’s fruition in my lifetime.

 

Walking The Line

Posted by Amy W in Christianity, Random Thoughtz, Uncategorized

Today I find myself thinking about who we are – the people we are in Christ, the people we are behind closed doors…and more importantly the people we try to make ourselves out to be.  I postulate there is a line that exists…a line that separates those who are spiritually healthy and those who are not.  I don’t know whether it’s discernment or judgment that walks on that line, but I know something does…it has to.  Today my thoughts pertain specifically to my role in identifying the line and understanding what my (or our) response should be when we find that one is not who they make themselves out to be. 

Regardless of what social circle you are in, there is a pressure that is often felt to “fit in”.  We feel a pressure to act a certain way, dress a certain way, and talk a certain way.  Intrinsic in our being is this desire for acceptance which fuels our very adherence to those societal pressures.  I say this because I believe that desire is intrinsic in that it was placed within us by God, for Him alone to fill.  In our fallen world, however, we look to the cultures (and subcultures/societies) around us to fill that void of acceptance, allowing us to experience community, friendships, a sense of belonging and being okay.  I feel like this is a natural phenomenon.  

In the Christian realm, we will hopefully, find a sense of belonging in the midst of Christian community – A place where we are told to embrace transparency and vulnerability.  This place being one where we should feel comfortable coming just as we are: on a spiritual high or a “far from God” valley in our lives.  We are told this is okay…This should be okay, but I fear it is not. 

Depending on who is in a given community, I wonder if there exists a pressure to be the ultimate Christian.  My theory is this: Depending on what role you play or the people who are in your lives (or “circles”) pressures exist, and those pressures, I fear, often keep us from revealing who we really are on the inside…and may perhaps, quench the very work of  God in and through our lives

If you walk with a group of intellectual and driven Christian leaders, there exists a pressure for you to also be intellectual and a leader.  Outwardly this may look like understanding theology, being able to convey Christian ideas and views, understanding a little church history, being able to debate your thoughts, and to also be driven to lead and change the church.  (Let me insert a disclaimer that these are all great things, and I’m not knocking them at all, just rather trying to explain my theory).  In terms of ministry leaders, people are always looking to you so there exists a pressure to always seem on top of your game.  You have to know what to say, when to say it…pray when the opportunity arises, and always be “on fire for God”.  Over time, those “pressures” cause us to outwardly show ourselves to be one way, while God’s reign in our hearts often becomes an afterthought (this coming from busyness, pressures to be something we might not be, etc). 

I guess I think about this because deep down I realize that I would much rather have someone experience God and be truly transformed by God, than to develop an amazing ability to talk about God.  I want to see those in my generation stop “doing what they’ve always done” and “saying what they always said” and actually become and live as the ambassadors we are called to be. 

Earlier today I was struck by the character Talkative in John Bunyan’s The Pilgrim’s Progress.  In discussing him, and his kind, the main character, Christian, had this to say:

“The kingdom of God is not in word but in power (1 cor. 4:20).  He talketh of prayer and repentance, of faith and of the new birth; but he knows but only to talk of them.  I have been in his family…his house…there is neither prayer, nor sign of repentance for sin; yea, the brute in his kind, serves God far better than he…He thinks that hearing and saying will make a good Christian; and thus he deceiveth his own soul.  Hearing is but the sowing of the seed; talking is not sufficient to prove that fruit is indeed in the heart and life.  And let us assure ourselves, that at the day of doom men shall be judged according to their fruits (Matt 13:23).  It will not be said then, “did you believe?” but, “were you doers, or talkers only” and accordingly shall they be judged.  The end of the world is compared to our harvest (matt 13:30), and you know men at harvest regard nothing but fruit.  Not that anything can be accepted that is not faith; but I speak this to show you how

insignificant the profession of talkative will be at that day.”

I like this because I wonder if succumbing to the pressures of fitting a specific Christian mold or ideal is blinding us to the withering of our very spiritual souls.  We spend so much time talking and looking the part that we forget to nurture the relationship that should be driving the very words we speak.  We sound good, but spiritually we have become as dead as the world around us.   

I like the verse Bunyan references: 

“For the Kingdom of God is not a matter of talk but of power” (1 Corinthians 4:20)

My heart aches because I look around and see so many who are bitter and disillusioned because of the deceivers who were like wolves in sheepskin – friends, lovers, and ministry leaders alike.  The deceivers spoke amazing words, but left behind fruit that looked more like pain, manipulation, and fear than anything we could ever expect coming from God.  

Are we too quick to be swayed by the words of man?  Are we too scared to confront when the signs of sour fruit (or no fruit) appear?  Is it our place to call out a brother when they are not walking with the Lord…or do we sit back and hope that God will work it all out eventually? 

For those who are like Bunyan’s character, Talkative, is it done on purpose or are they too swayed by their own words…thinking that their regurgitation of words and ideas is fruit, when in fact their very lives reflect that it is not?