I’ve heard many say that people will always disappoint you…especially since we’re each fallen and sinful ourselves.  I’ve been told that I should not set people up on a pedestal because ultimately they will fail our expectations or our needs. In those same talks I hear exhortations to put our hope and reliance in Christ alone…the only one who is truly and perfectly faithful to us in love.  I don’t know if people have “failed” me, but I find myself disappointed in what I’m seeing around me.  Disappointed because I don’t understand…or don’t see… or maybe it just doesn’t look the way I hoped.

I don’t even know if I’m saying it right.

Honestly, I dont’ know how to say what’s on my mind.  I have so much to say, but it just won’t come out.  like yesterday, so is today.  Today I’ll try to say a little more.  

I’ve been told that I am a queen of mixed signals.  That I will welcome people into my life and heart one day…and then shut them out the next.  It’s like a “come here” and “go away” complex that I have.  I know I do this…I dont’ mean to, and I try to make conscious efforts not to do this to people.  It’s a defense mechanism that exists in my life because of things that happened throughout my life, for whatever reason…I’ve analyzed it to the tee, but I won’t share that ”research” here.  

I’ll be honest, though…I want so badly to shut down and shut people out right now. 

It even feels weird typing it. 

The thing is, I feel like I’m in a really good place with God…I’ve sensed His presence and closeness.  My time with Him has been beautiful.  And I don’t really feel like I’m in a depressed or uber-sad mood…so I’m not really sure where this feeling is coming from – but it’s here, I can’t deny it.

What I posted yesterday was the result of a car ride of random thoughts…thoughts that continue today.  Part of me still wishes I could just pack up and move to Pasadena California, go to Fuller Seminary and start life afresh in a new place.  The more mature, less impulsive Amy knows that whatever I’m running from here will either follow me or will re-emerge when I get there or will pop up sometime later in life. 

I don’t know what it is, but there is something about some of the relationships in my life that just dont seem right.  There is something that I don’t trust…and something that I want to get far away from.  On one hand, I’m trying not to run, cuz that’s what I’ve done before and something I think is more of my “issue” than any thing else.  On the other hand, I can’t shake the “somethings not right” feeling…and there is also something about my past experiences and my instinct that I know I have to trust.

Like I said…part of me just wishes I could, like a summer beach house, shut down and close up for a season…until the weather again beckons me to open my doors and clean out the dust.

ha…weird analogy.  Weird post.  I’m done.  good night.