Last night was Wednesday and as usual, was hanging out with my Pastor’s wife. Apparently she wants to set me up with her nephew. Sure, I’m flattered, slightly intrigued, but my desire to avoid such awkward, pressure filled, “set-ups” has also kicked in. Anyways, when I got home I ran inside to tell my roommates about how someone is trying to set me up at an up and coming wedding. I didn’t realize that I was walking into an already-in-progress conversation on Christian dating and sex. So, here comes the soapbox…
The question that was on the mind of several in the room: “Why is it that Christian guys never seem to ask out Christian girls?” The context is that a majority in the room felt that there were several beautiful, awesome Christian girls who were single and rarely, if ever, asked out by the Christian guys in their churches, social circles, and bible studies. A guy spoke up and told us why he tends to ask non-Christian girls out over Christian girls. This is what he had to say (paraphrased):
”I am more inclined to ask out non-Christian girls because I’m told that in the Lord all these Christian girls are my sisters and it’s hard to think about them romantically or sexually if they’re supposed to be my sister…Non-Christian girls are more open and to flirting and talking about sex…Christian girls dress so modest. I’m more attracted to non-Christian girls physically and visually. (*insert something about urges and hormones*) I just don’t find myself being drawn to Christian girls like I am non-Christian girls. I don’t want a hoochie mamma, but I do think you have to be physically attracted to someone.”
I sat there almost in disbelief. A few girls spoke up about how as Christian women we’re told not dress a certain way and how we are told to dress modestly to keep Christian brothers from stumbling.
The soap box was there…I tried biting my tongue, but couldn’t hold it in any longer…
I couldn’t believe that a Christian guy was sitting there saying the things he was saying…and I couldn’t believe that the responses were nothing more than, “we dress that way because we’re told to dress that way”.
All around us in media, magazines, TV, the internet, etc…women and the beauty of a woman have become completely and unavoidably attached to instant sexual appeal. (All of us are sexual, but I think the ideas have been used and abused to the point where it has downgraded one’s sexuality to nothing other than a mechanism for selfish fulfillment, or especially amongst women, to fill voids set in place from longings for acceptance, validation, and love). We are pressured in stores and again through media to dress a certain way, to look a certain way. If we look at Scripture we find encouragement to find our worth not in outward adornment but rather in knowing our identity in Christ. All around us, we have encouragement to lessen our standards, boundaries, and convictions because that’s how we’ll receive and/or earn love and acceptance. But as Christian women we also have to learn what it means to be in this world but not of this world.
Last night, I sat there as I listened to a brother perpetuate the norms of society to a group of single, beautiful, longing-filled Christian women. I couldn’t believe it…
I understand you have sexual urges brother, but dang…MAN UP and encourage your sisters to fight the temptation of the culture instead of telling them you aren’t interested because
They don’t talk about sex enough
They don’t dress sexy enough
I shared my thoughts last night. Less accusingly, but perhaps with a lot more passion behind my words.
I said (I was much more eloquent last night) that the words he shared sounds a lot like the guys I used to run around with…the ones that encouraged the lie that my body- what I did with it and how I dressed it- would bring me the love I longed for, the attention I craved. The words I heard last night, we all too similar to the words of guys I now see respected me little if at all…the words that perpetuated my own lack of respect for myself.
Someone tried to lessen my punch and told him I was a little “sensitive”
Maybe I am sensitive, but if my sensitivity is fighting the lies and distortions of the Devil’s hand, should I water down my passion? Should I not challenge a Christian brother when he tells a group of single Christian women, who want guys to show some kind of interest in them that they’re just not as sexy as the women who could care less about God?
I would say chrisitan women are very sexual, but many have learned to be self controlled. Many have learned not to tempt brothers visually (and in the same way have learned to accept themselves first (and not rely on the attraction they get from dressing a certain way).
Maybe some of us are frumpy, but most of us young, single women are not…we love the Lord…we have standards…
Should I not challenge someone who appeals to a women in a way that would encourage her to lower such standards?
maybe I am sensitive, but I would say even more than sensitive I am a single christian woman, trying (sometimes fighting) to uphold sexual and emotional integrity as best as I can until I am married…You might not agree with me, but I will speak up to encourage my sisters to uphold the integrity that I believe God desires them to have as well.
This isn’t the best writing I’ve done, sorry. If I’m wrong…someone call me out.
Nope, I’m with you. That’s a pretty sorry attitude for a Christian man. I hope your calling him on it caused him to reconsider.
Brava! You stood and delivered!
If the young man you spoke with is between 18-30, I would chalk it up to the “Lost Brain” syndrome which strikes about 3/4 of all males of that age. They check out their brains upon high school graduation, try all sorts of silly or dangerous things and end up one day realizing that the past X years were a foggy bad dream. Most of them recover and marry a girl like you.
Of course, girls like you look for the 1/4 who retain most of their brains and think above the belt.
~Anna
I agree with you Amy. That’s totally not a justifiable answer.
I think it IS hard to ask out Christian girls though. Let me give you some better answers.
For one, if they’re in your small group, or are new to your church and you’re trying to be friendly and not drive them away, you don’t want to ask them out and make them think that you’re only there to hit on them. It’s almost like the rule about not dating coworkers…when you’re in close quarters and trying to “work” together in the church you don’t want to make things awkward. That’s stopped me a few times.
A second reason is some girls work so hard at guarding their hearts (a good Christian term with good intentions) that they’re not willing to consider dating anybody unless they think right off the bat this is the One they want to marry. I think most non-Christians are much more willing to date someone/give them a chance without a lot of pressure to be everything right way.
I agree too that Christian girls should be modest. However, modesty is not the same as coldness. If a girl doesn’t ever want to sit next to you and won’t even smile at you, you take it as a sign you should save yourself some rejection and not even bother.
I am definitely looking for a good Christian girl. It’s hard to keep asking though after you get the cold shoulder enough times.
I would venture to say that brother is in hot water, badly in need of some introspection.
“Do not love the world or the things in the world. If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him.” (1 John 2:15)
“what fellowship has light with darkness?” (2 Cor. 6:14)
“For to set the mind on the flesh is death, but to set the mind on the Spirit is life and peace. For the mind that is set on the flesh is hostile to God, for it does not submit to God’s law; indeed, it cannot. Those who are in the flesh cannot please God.” (Romans 8:6,7)
“For if you live according to the flesh you will die” (Romans 8:13)
The list goes on and on and on. How can a person, raised to life by Christ Jesus, awakened to the disease of sin, freed from the chains therein, and given the Holy Spirit, still unashamedly pursue things of the world? I think that scripture is fairly clear. He cannot, it’s just not possible. Leaving one of two possibilities. Perhaps, he is, on some level ashamed and convicted, but in a season of weakness and struggle sin has hardened his heart and he’s temporarily numb to it; or perhaps he doesn’t understand his sin yet. But of course the possibility being that he is a false convert, having a “form of godliness” but a useless one that “denies its power” to free a man from sin (2 Tim. 3:5).
It would be highly judgmental to point the finger at someone and claim their faith is artificial. However, at the same time, when a brother or sister exhibits dangerous signs of unbelief, it could be tragic for us not to gracefully, and lovingly present the possibility of their condition.
All that been said, I also must agree with Matt. While not at all a good reason to be seeking out some good non-Christian tail, it is a pretty excellent explanation for not going after the Christians. In fact, it’s probably among the top reasons I myself am not really looking.
Good thoughts. You were right to be worked up; my gut says you probably weren’t forceful enough. Thanks for sharing.
Thanks everyone for your comments.
Matt, I appreciate you sharing why it’s hard to ask out Christian girls. That’s the kind of feedback that I wish had been present in the room that night.
Bill, “it could be tragic for us not to gracefully, and lovingly present the possibility of their condition.” How does that happen without seeming judgemental or harsh? I agree with you, but the idea of calling someone out like that is a little scary…maybe I just need to woman-up.
I couldn’t agree with you more. You are right, dead right. And this man has let the world suck him in, as so many have. I know far too many great Christian guys that have let this “one” aspect of their life go. They think that as long as all of their other ducks are in a row, why should God really care who they date. And I feel sorry for them (this is of course after I have feelings of wanting to punch them) because the women they will find are not the women who will build them up, walk alongside them, challenge their character to make them better, be their best friend. These men will find women who will satisfy them sexually but leave them empty. Empty because they are searching for fulfillment in these relationships rather than Christ, and empty because these women that they think are more desireable are actually only people-pleasers, because every woman desires true love–some just go about finding it the wrong way (by attracting a man sexually rather than spiritually or intellectually). Part of this relationship we have with Jesus is about giving everything, it’s not pick and choose only the easy parts.
Don’t get me wrong, I think sex is God’s crowning creation, and I can’t wait for it. But, God also gave us pretty clear and careful instructions about it, and maybe he didn’t draw a line at every turn, but there’s a verse in 1 Cor 10:23 “Everything is permissible–but not everything is beneficial. Everything is permissible–but not everything is constructive.”
I guess that’s enough of my soapbox too? You are right, Amy. Keep your heart right where it is and guard it because one day some very lucky man will get to share it with you.
(And I know some pretty dang sexy Christian ladies, and they shoud be respected for wanting to save that sexiness for someone, and not giving it to any pig walking down the road. And I also know, and am one of those Christian girls that maybe guards her heart very closely because she has been hurt by Christian guys.)
The key problem with the situation you described is not the culture, or what Christian women wear, or how they act, or even with our male or female desires. The discussion needs to be turned back to only one question: who are you trying to please? Christian women who dress provocatively are trying to please men. The male in your discussion who “prefers” non-Christian women because they are physically and visually more “sexy,” is only interested in pleasing himself.
A real man of God will (even if imperfectly) always make decisions based first and foremost on what would be pleasing to God.
thanks…that’s a really good point.
whats the deals with Christian guys these days…
I mean he was being honest so that is a good thing, he wasn’t trying to cover up what he felt, but there is something deeper going on if thats the way he thinks…
step up guys, we need to set the trend…
oh I should add that one of the things that attracted me so much to my now wife, was how she dressed… modestly. It was so different, so that caught my attention, it showed me that she respected herself which really was important… and most of all there’s something “sexy” about mystery and intrigue.
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Jason Rakowski