“And we know that in all things God works for the good of all who love him.”
(Romans 8:28 )

Yesterday I was presented with a challenge and exhortation to talk to someone about a gifting that they think I have.  My shyness jumped in and keeps me wondering if I should really step up and talk to someone.  In my mind, I am grateful as opportunities to speak present themselves, but who am I to say that I should do this or that?  I am just 26 yr old single woman…who am I to do or say anything?      

 Part of me fears the inevitable – that I will speak up, that I will be told “that’s nice, but you’re a woman”.    

 Part of me fears that again, I will pursue something and be told no in the end. 

 But then there’s the part of me that can’t shake the stirring that started back in 2005.  Part of me can’t let go of the feedback and encouragement I’ve gotten from people at the most “coincidental” of times.  And all of me continues to be haunted by a beautiful shadow I can’t seem to shake. 

 I see others doing something, but how did they get there?  How did God raise up those women as leaders?  And how in the world do I begin to figure out how to nurture the growth of something I try to keep hidden…at times, maybe even ignore…because at the end of the day I am just a single 26 year old woman trying to understand just how to love people, and love God.  At the end of the day, who am I to even think I could be used in this way.  Is that appropriate humility?  Or a lack of faith as to what God can do?

 Last year I walked into an open assembly room.  It was open in the sense that there were no doors at the doorways and no windows in the window spaces in the walls…everything was open.  Claps and stomps echoed in the air until they settled upon my heart…beating in unison with the rhythm of the air.  My eyes grew wide as I realized that I, a white woman from the US, was surrounded by 1500 West African girls between the ages of 16 to 19.  The pastor walking next to me leaned in as if to combat the doubt and fear that was rising up in me.  “God has entrusted you with all of this, He has prepared this moment for you, and for them…He will do this tonight!”  I remembered the vision and that desire that began stirring in 2005, and I became very humbled and grateful that God would allow me to share in this moment.  For the entire week that I had been in Ghana, I sensed the celebration of the people.  2007 marked the country’s 50^th anniversary as a free country.  The markings and pride of that freedom was evident everywhere…from street signs to markings on scarves and dresses.  That night I rejoiced with them in their political freedom, but also welcomed in another freedom that was at hand – a freedom found only through Christ.  I remember not the words that came from my mouth, but the weight of spiritual bondage had grown through the week…and I realized that I was sent, even if for one girl, to proclaim freedom in the name of Christ. 

 I never felt more alive…more in my element than I have in moments like this.  Not because I think I am worthy or that I think I should be doing these things.  I can’t even explain it, other than just knowing in those few moments I’ve been allowed to experience thus far. 

 So now I stand at a crossroads, or so it seems.  At the end of the day I am a young professional, a single woman of 26 years with a desire to communicate all that God is (at least to the extent that I’ve discovered him thus far).  Do I continue along quietly, just waiting for things to happen?  Or do I take this exhortation to speak up as a subtle push from God to get up and follow him? 

 I don’t know what to do.  I really don’t.  I know what I’d like to do, but I fear that it may leave me chasing the wind.  Sigh…