After years of doubting
I finally bought a ticket.
When the station closed,
I still stayed with it
Hoping I didn’t miss it.
Now after years of waiting
Still holding that ticket
I can barely stay with it
Maybe I missed it –
The train that never showed.
Maybe I’ve been fooling myself thinking I’m in a good place. Maybe I’m not in such a good place. After today, it’s hard to tell.
In 1 Corinthians 10:12 Paul gives warning:
“So if you think you are standing firm, be careful that you do not fall.”
Not so commonly known and discussed is the integrity that a woman must fight for emotionally and in her mind, especially with matters of the heart – the matters that often deal with her deepest desires and perhaps some of her greatest struggles. I don’t know if its because we’re blind to the issues or if we just don’t care to control it. What’s inside our minds, what’s happening in our hearts, is mostly internal and not so obvious to the world around us. Easily hid, easily ignored, easily overlooked.
Today was probably one of the hardest days I’ve had in a long time. My mind was all over the place. Perhaps the only time it was at rest was during a prayer meeting in Baltimore, praying for local Christians and those around the world that God wants to reach. At 9 am I woke up to a mind that was going a million miles a minute…It’s 3 am and I’m not sure if it’s slowed down.
Driving to the prayer meeting my mind and heart traveled roads in my life that I thought were long abandoned. Apparently they’re still here, waiting for even just a second of taking my eyes from the Lord.
“Amy! You’re driving to a prayer meeting!! What are you thinking??!!”
Leaving the prayer meeting those same roads were waiting for me. By now, after an incredible prayer meeting, by the way, I found myself curious. Maybe I wanted to again feel that butterfly. Maybe I wanted to feel that desire again. Maybe I really am slightly sadistic and I wanted to remember the pain that rejection brought me the last time I ventured down that road…those few years that I seemed to live on that road!
How did I even get here?
I drove to meet up with my accountability partner and friends…my mind spinning and leaving me in a funk. Outwardly I have done nothing wrong. I can put on a smile and no one will know. Eventually I shared what was going on (the best that I could). Someone even prayed for me.
Fast forward a few hours later. Still my mind is spinning a million miles a minute. Driving home at 1:30am my thoughts indicative that something is wrong or I’m on the threshold of a depression or spiritual funk of some kind.
The sky was clear, but the storms had left the grass wet and the air cool. I headed straight for my hammock. I laid on the hammock and searched the stars…looking for where I went wrong today. I stayed there until the clouds rolled in…my clothes cold and wet by this time. My only company was a pair of lightening bugs dancing around me and the music that sang from my ipod.
Somehow the words of Paul found their way to the surface of all that’s been distracting me today. I thought I was good. I thought I was beyond all this. I thought I was sanding firm! And yet I’m walking a road I never imagined would be an issue for me…at least not again.
Paul’s warning precisely!
When you are standing firm…
Luckily he follows up like this:
“No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful, he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear and will provide a way out so that you can stand up under it.
(1 cor 10:12-14)”
All day, as thoughts swirled in my mind…scripture was close by, wanting to be invited in…wanting to tear down that which was luring my mind and my heart away. There were moments when I chose and claimed truth, but there were other moments when I didn’t.
God provided a way out. Whether I took it or decided to sit and stew in that temptation was my choice, but God provided the “get out of jail free” card, just as Paul says He would. Sin will never part from us (at least on this side of heaven), no matter how firm we are, temptation will always fight for our attention. Every time there is a way out if we’re brave enough to take it. If we want to fight enough that we actually look for it.
Tonight I laid on my hammock. Starry sky. Cool air. Wet clothes. Dissecting Paul’s words and crying out to His ears that listen. I pondered the places my mind wandered today. I recalled times I chose the way out and confessed the times I didn’t. At the end of it all, the clouds rolled in and I decided that I want to fight for God. I want to fight myself for His Glory. I know some of my greatest weaknesses root in my thoughts and where I allow my mind to go. The only thing that stands firm for me is His truth. My way out is His truth. Satan, the great deceiver, tempts me with lies that once defined my reality. Knowing and believing the Lord’s Truth, even when circumstance would dictate otherwise, is what fights, defeats, and pulls me out.
I wish I were better at this life, but I’m pretty stinking weak. Maybe we all are -weak. Maybe that’s also why Paul tells us that it’s God who is the Faithful One and its God who provides us with whatever is needed to stand firm under the temptations we face…even when we’ve got it together…especially when we think we’re standing firm…and just maybe the “way out” starts with the one thing we already have under our noses…maybe it starts with Truth.
So, I haven’t updated in a while, but I wanted to post pictures of the truck I drove/played with today. I didn’t drive it much, it was cool…and not very lady-like. The guys at work got a telehandler to help with the work they have going on. I was “trained” on using it today. I don’t know if I’ll ever use it, but what the heck!
it was an interesting day to say the least…
I remember several times through the course of high school and college where I was asked or I voluntarily mapped out my life. Even before that, as with most of us, we get bombarded with the questions of what we want to be when we grow up. I’ve mapped out my life over and over and every time the future steps look a little (or a lot) different. Oddly enough, the map that has actually been completed thus far, looks nothing like the map[s] I had planned.
Today…I don’t live where I thought I would live, I don’t have the degrees I thought I would have. I don’t have the husband I thought I would have. I don’t have openings and options I thought I would have. I don’t have the friends I thought I would have. I don’t have the pets I thought I would have. I’m not complaining, just stating a few facts.
My life looks different, yeah, but that doesn’t mean it’s bad. Honestly, what is actually being created with each passing day is a painting more diverse and vibrant than I could have ever come up with. My plans actually fell short of what has come about. My plans where there; I pursued them, but the outcome and where I actually ended up has never aligned with what I expected. It’s way better. Much harder, but it’s also much better.
Towards the end of the work week last week I realized I needed something to work towards. Even if I don’t get there…I need something to work towards. A goal or two.
So I mapped out a new plan for my life. This isn’t one of my new-every-six-month-life plan- plans. This is what I’m going to work towards over the next few years, based on what I know of my life today.
For the next year and a half I want to finish my bible certificate in Biblical Studies. This will take me though a pretty big outage season (fall 09 – spring 2010) at work (this is why I’m doing this before the next thing in my plans). As the certificate finishes up, and the major project at work goes from build to start-up/optimize/get online and running, I will apply for and lord willing start my MBA. My company will pay for this and I think it’ll provide me with great experience and training for whatever my future holds in the secular workforce or in ministry. The program I want to do is 2.5years in duration. I figure I’ll be done by 2013. I’ll be 31 (maybe I’ll still be 30). That’s not too old.
I still want to get my Masters in pastoral counseling or biblical studies/theology. Perhaps I can work on that in my 30s. Maybe I’ll be a mom by this time…or at least a wife. Maybe I’ll be single and moving into management of some kind at work. Maybe I’ll fill a position with my company outside of Baltimore, allowing me an increase in opportunities for the seminaries that I could attend as I continue to work to pay for seminary. Who knows what the next 5 years will hold. I just want something to work towards. I need a goal – something that will keep me fighting and pushing forward. This is it.
The wisest man of all history said this: “Many are the plans in a man’s heart, but it’s the Lord’s purpose that prevails.” (Proverbs 19:21)
Funny, the wisest man never told us to not make plans. He never said, no, don’t make goals. Don’t work toward something. NO! He just recognizes that the Lord will prevail over the plans we make, the steps we take, and the dreams we create. It’s the Lord who lays the foundation and makes our paths straight. The Glory belongs to him in the end. I guess I’m just keeping the trajectory of my life moving forward…allowing him to push me to the left and right…whatever is necessary to keep me on the path he so desires.
As with all my other plans for my future, God’s purpose has prevailed. Every step I’ve taken, regardless of where I thought I was headed, God made firm and directed. I may still have this blog in 5 years. It’s very likely that my life will not unfold the way I’m planning. I may wake up in 5 years and laugh at what I wanted today. The clarity that that hindsight allows us may mock my simple plans…especially when see what has actually unfolded over the years ahead. I trust the Lord and trust that the portrait He continues to paint will always trump that which I have mapped out tonight.
I remember it well, my ex-boyfriend, Mike, and myself sitting around, making our way through what was then the 4 or 5 seasons of Sex and the City. I’ve never had HBO, so I didn’t get hooked until the show hit DVD. I followed along until the very end when Big finds Carrie in Paris, Charlotte adopted a baby, Samantha survived cancer and Miranda and Steve finally get married. I own almost every season on DVD (thanks to Mike who supported my addiction). You could say that I am (was) a fan.
I fell in love with Sex and the City in a time when I was a Christian trying to avoid God so that I could chase after love and my very own “happily ever after”. If you’ve never watched the series, then you don’t have to look farther than the title to understand what it’s about. City as in New York City, and Sex as in the stories of 4 women having lots of sex in their quest for real love (well, 3 of them look for love, the Infamous Queen Cougar, Samantha, played by Kim Cattrall is pretty much in it for the sex). It was fun, it was fashionable, it was sexy…and I guess it sort of identified with that journey…seeing how I was pursuing my own path of love and happily ever after.
I haven’t watched the show in a few years. As I said, I own all the DVDs, but I choose not to watch them. Shows like that can take my mind down a road it doesn’t need to travel, at least not in this time in my life. It’s like dangling delicious food in front of someone who’s fasting…you just don’t do it…its way too tempting.
So even though I don’t watch the show anymore, I couldn’t refuse seeing the movie with my friend tonight. I had seen every episode, and the movie was the grand finale of it all. How could I miss out? I couldn’t.
The movie, Sex and the City, was really good. The show, in my opinion, always had great writing…keep the people with their clothes on and out of bed and I’d still be watching it! The movie was no different…very funny, very fun, and very fashionable.
One of the themes of the movie, aside from finally “catching” love was that of forgiveness. I won’t go into details for fear of giving away important plot details, but there were 3 fairly interwoven instances where this theme of forgiveness was built. The basic idea was that the people in your life, the people you love, will make mistakes. But where love exists, so must forgiveness. For love to grow, forgiveness must enter in, sometimes more than we’d hope or expect. A therapist in the movie said something along the lines of: “love has no guarantees, there is no guarantee that either of you will always get it right, but you have to decide today if your willing to fight through the mess, forgive, and move on”. I think of recent weddings I’ve been to and the advice given from pastors and fathers and grandfathers on the importance of grace and forgiveness. I’ve heard it said many times that forgiveness is essential (does that mean heartache and disappointment are inevitable?)
I like the idea presented by the therapist, but I slightly disagree. I think that it’s not love that has no guarantee, but rather people who are prone to fall short. We are imperfect, and we do fall short and we do make mistakes. We chose to love and sometimes that means also fighting ourselves and our flesh as we forgive those who have disappointed us. Disappointment will come, it’s how we respond that will truly nourish and grow our love…or perhaps cut it and allow it to die right there.
I wasn’t expecting to get a dose of deep thought from the evening tonight, but I walked away entertained and pondering the ideas of love and forgiveness. I’m not only talking romantic love, but love of all kinds: romantic, friendship, family, compassionate – all of these loves are perfected as we live out forgiveness.
I wonder if this trajectory of greater love and greater forgiveness leads us closer to Christ. Ha! I’m not trying to turn Sex and the City into a Christian film, don’t call me a heretic. If you watch the film, you can’t deny the theme of forgiveness. I do, however, find it fitting that it is brought in so profoundly at the end of the series. In a show that was all about looking for love, I can’t help but notice that for several, the love they wanted came to them hand and hand with forgiveness. In the same way, God and Christ are the epitome of love and forgiveness. Love and forgiveness begin and end with them. They co-exist and as a result, we in turn are able to forgive and love. We see God’s love more fully because of his forgiveness, we experience his love more fully as we begin to forgive others…and often times, forgiving ourselves for the things we’ve done or haven’t done.
Love can’t grow where forgiveness doesn’t exist…
Hmmm…I wonder.
