Monthly Archives: June 2008

Surviving the Wedding Season

Posted by Amy W in Dating & Relationships, singleness and tagged with , , , , , ,

This weekend I ventured to my 3rd of 6 weddings for the 2008 Wedding Season.  It’s funny, I’m halfway through and it’s barely the middle of June!!  The wedding was nice.  Not enough dancing for my likes, but the ceremony was beautiful and I’m super excited for my friends who are now man and wife.

In the quieter moments of the wedding this weekend (i.e. that long drawn out time between the ceremony and the reception), I began to wonder how I or any of us are able to survive the many weddings of the season.  Unfortunately, the singles table I once loved is now being infiltrated by my once single, now married (or close to married) friends.  This weekend, the “single” ladies at my table talked of their upcoming wedding plans (ahh…they’re only “single” today because their husbands are not in the state).  I’ve also noticed that the few singles that do remain nervously laugh each time we find each other and realize that, ha ha, once again we are each others’ dance partner for the evening.

If this seems cynical or slightly depressing, good!  It is…sometimes.  For many of us singles (I can only speak from a woman’s perspective) wedding season can be a big downer.  We think of the many wedding dresses that line our closet in every color imaginable except the one color we dream of – white.  We think of recently broken relationships, especially those we swore were headed straight down the isle.  And others of us may sulk because we think that perhaps God is so busy taking care of our 10 other friends getting married this year that He seemingly forgot about us – the cute girl who can’t seem to get a date, much less a boyfriend… much less a husband.  We try to smile and be excited for all the girls getting married, we put on a good front, but deep down inside we can’t wait for the invitations to stop.  Once they do, that constant, nagging reminder of singleness will seemingly fade away…well, sometimes.    

As a single woman who has attended most of her weddings alone, I admit that I have, at some time or another, felt one or all of above emotions.  I will also say that at this point in my life, I’m not merely surviving wedding season, I’m learning to be content in it.  If I can offer any advice for those who find themselves struggling to get to the next wedding or perhaps they’re suddenly finding themselves in the wedding frenzy for the first time, let me say this:

1.  Get Perspective – I think one of the biggest hurdles to surviving (or moving beyond just surviving) the wedding season is our perspective.  We live in a very egocentric society.  Everything that we see and experience is made to be about us, even when it shouldn’t be.  We attend weddings and instead of being happy for our friend who is being united with a wonderful man, we sulk and beat ourselves up because there must be something wrong with us if we’re still sitting in the crowd alone.  Peel back the layers of small talk, and I’m sure you’ll see that an unhappy single at a wedding is unhappy because of reasons that are completely about them and what they don’t have or have yet to experience.  Get it straight, IT’S NOT ABOUT YOU!  Unfortunately life doesn’t always turn out the way we want it, when we want it.  Regardless, if we continually look at ourselves, we begin to miss the beautiful life that is happening around us right now.  Weddings are to celebrate a union of two people, not to emphasize, yet again, the man you have yet to meet.  Let the wedding day be about the couple getting married.  I know you’d expect the same on your special day. 

2.  Live for Today – Another difficult aspect to being perpetually single is that we so often see ourselves and our lives as being stagnant or passive in the waiting process.   Now that your best friend is no longer waiting with you does not mean that she’s finally started life, leaving you to watch on the side.  Life doesn’t start when you get married.  Sure another chapter of life may start, but the story of your life is being written even today.  There is so much blessing in singleness that is missed because we’re too busy looking at the “greener grass” that seems to exist on the other side of saying “I Do”.  Quite often, singles get stuck in a rut during this time of year because of a simple truth that we fail to realize.  Shauna Niequist describes it well in her book, Cold Tangerines:

 “I have always, essentially, been waiting.  Waiting to become something…waiting for what I thought I would have…And through all this waiting, here I am.  My life is passing, day by day, and I’m waiting for it to start…John Lennon once said, ‘life is what happens when you’re busy making other plans.’  For me, life is what was happening while I was waiting for my big moment…I don’t want to wait anymore.”

She goes on to exhort readers to stop looking for what may or may not lie ahead and start to enjoy the blessings and the life that is right before you…right here, right now.  Henri Nouwen refers to this active waiting as “being fully in the moment with the conviction that something is happening where we are and we want to be present in this moment believing that it is THE moment“! 

 Life doesn’t begin once we’re married.  There are precious moments and people and opportunities to take hold of now, while we actively wait for that other chapter of our life to begin.  Stop focusing on what you don’t have.  Instead, open your eyes to and start enjoying that which you’ve already been given.   

3.  Get Up And Dance - Weddings always have music and dancing (well, most do).  Whether it’s breaking out old school to Thriller or getting funky with the Cha Cha and Electric Slides- get up and dance.  I believe 100% that everyone can dance, or can at least have fun trying to dance if they would only shrug off what they think everyone else is thinking about their dancing (honestly, most people are not even paying attention!).  Just get up and do it!  It can be freeing, fun, and it also keeps you from being the target guest for mom and aunt Linda to talk to all night…inevitably discussing your marital status (or lack thereof) and perhaps taking you all the way back to working through point #1.

4.  Know and Love God, Know and Love Yourself - In Matthew 22:37-39, Jesus describes that the greatest commandments of all time is to Love God with all of our heart and then to love our neighbors as ourselves. 

The first – Loving God.   Focus and invest in that.  Regardless of being married or single, this one should be a no-brainer in your life. 

The second – love your neighbor as yourself.  When you are married, there is no closer “neighbor” than your spouse…and if you can’t love your closest neighbor, can you really expect to love those down the street, in the coffee shop, or even in the next town?  Probably not.  AND, regardless of being married or not, loving your neighbor as yourself demands that you already love and respect yourself.  What isn’t said directly in this passage, but can be implied if you think about it hard enough, is that in order to love your neighbor, you must love yourself.  Alternatively it may be thought of like this: you will love your neighbor as much as you love yourself. 

Link both commandments together and you just might see how they are linked.  We are able to love God because he first loved us (1 John 4:19).  As we learn about Him and fall in love with him, we are able to accept and see to a greater extent, the love he has for us.  That love will enable us to love ourselves and also to love our neighbors as we love ourselves.  The depth of our love for God and love and respect for ourselves (I’m talking about healthy self image and acceptance here…an area most, if not all women need to work on at some point in their lives) will, without a doubt, impact any future relationships we may have as well as our marriages should they, Lord willing, come our way. 

5.  Pray – Simple thought, but incredibly powerful!  Pray for yourself, for the brides and grooms getting married this year and pray for the spouse you are still waiting for.  I don’t know what God has for me (much less anyone crazy enough to read this far into the blog), BUT I do trust Him and I do love Him, and I know regardless of what happens, it’ll be for His Glory.  Hopefully you can find the Christ-given strength to believe the same for your life and the lives of your friends, married and single alike. 

 You know, I’m just a single girl trying to embrace the life that God has soverignly allowed as well as learn contentment with a hope deferred.  The heartache that comes with unmet desires, especially that one of marriage, is not bad – it’s normal! (see Proverbs 13:12)  I also believe strongly that singles don’t have to become captive to those (or any) bad feelings when so many others are asking us to celebrate in this part of their lives.  As with so many other aspects of life, the above is not meant to be an equation to contentment or wedding season survival.  They are simple, little ideas that I have learned and grown from –  I think it may prove helpful for other readers that find themselves in the same boat (especially with the points about God and falling in love with Him).  If, at the end of the day, you still are faced with more weddings than you think you can handle, prioritize and learn to say no.  Not every invitation must be accepted, and not every wedding needs you in attendance.  Sometimes it’s okay to say no.  Know your boundaries and stick to them.  If all else fails, just remember that the wedding season will be over soon enough.     

  

Learning to Share

Posted by Amy W in Jesus, Random Thoughtz, Uncategorized and tagged with , , , , ,

Look in any parenting book that discusses preschoolers and you’ll find a chapter on learning (well, teaching) to share.  Around the age of two or three, kids are still very concerned with themselves and their needs.  While they haven’t fully developed an understanding for the care of others, this is often the age when parents start noticing the “selfish” sides come out and as a result, start teaching children to share with their siblings and playmates.  By the time kids are around 6 years old, it is expected that they know how to share.  Kids are in school and interacting with others on a daily basis – knowing how to share and to consider others becomes much more important.  Of course, as with anything, there are a few exceptions to the rule.  Some will learn the habits of sharing earlier, while others will be far slower in the process.  I am starting to think I fall into the category of the later. 

 At my ripe young age, I think I’m finally beginning to understand the concepts behind sharing.  You’d think I’d have this mastered by 6 or 7, but no…try 26!  You see, I’m very independent, not because I want to be, but more because I had to be.  Growing up with a single mom, I quickly learned to care for myself, do laundry, not just mine, but the house laundry, learned to cook for myself and often times my mom.  Heck, I also knew how to drive (and drove on public roads) by the time I was 10 or 11.  I had plenty of friends growing up, but I was also an only child (no, I’m not spoiled; I just like control over my stuff and my space).  When I wanted to be with people and to share my things I would, if I didn’t then I wouldn’t be with people or share my things.  Instead I would go off by myself to listen to music, dance or read a book.  Even at a young age, my boundaries were very strong: touch my stuff and you’re dead!

 Now I’m 26 and I share a townhouse with 2 other women.  After living by myself for a few years, I’m starting to see that with other people around, my space isn’t always “my space”.  Suddenly I find myself forced to share space and life with two other women.  Let me tell you, it’s NOT easy! 

 Before I continue, I have to explain that my room is in the basement and the only way to get outside to our backyard is to go through my room. 

 So, for two days in a row I’ve come home to the reality that someone was in my room.  I could tell.  Without a doubt, I knew it.  I checked the backdoor – unlocked!  (Oh, I also have a pet peeve about leaving doors unlocked, it drives me nuts!).  Today I get home from the gym to find my roommate had again gone through my room to the backyard.  Can I just say that I was boiling mad?!?!  I was so angry, all because she went through my room, without any consideration to me, to go lay out on the hammock.  (it’s a little funny actually) 

 As I steamed over these recent events I’ve found myself contemplating the ideas of sharing.  I know I’m mad because suddenly I find myself having to share space and life in ways foreign to me.  What I’m seeing for the first time (don’t laugh) is that living with people and sharing space with people involves a give and take – part of which involves sharing, even when you don’t want to. 

 On the surface of recent events, this may simply look like me not yelling at my roommate for wanting to lie in our hammock (i.e. walking through my room without asking me because I wasn’t home).  On a deeper level, I think the ideas of sharing or living selflessly have implications that impact us all. 

 In many ways giving is simply sharing what we have been given with others who may not have what we have.  Along these lines, it’s easy for us to donate our money and time to help the poor, to help a widowed mother, or to care for and love on a sick friend when the timing works out for us.  It’s so easy for us to share what we have, when it’s convenient for us or when it will allow us that much needed tax refund.  I can’t help but wonder, is this what “sharing” is really about? 

 Sharing generally implies that you allow another to partake, or enjoy or use something that you originally possess in its entirety.  If before a certain age, children are unable to share because they only have the ability to think about their needs and their wants then I wonder if we can draw the conclusion that once children learn to share they are able to perceive and consider others as well as the needs and wants of those other people.  If so, then I would say at its core, sharing should involve an element of selflessness, or at least some ability to set aside our wants and needs for the wants and needs of another.  Again, if so, then we should be driven to give and share and donate because of the needs we perceive in others, not because of what that act will do for us.  If we act simply because of selfish needs then we really haven’t moved into that realm of “sharing”. 

 As for my issue, I could ask my roommate to call me first and never enter my room until I give her permission.  Honestly, the only reason I would want to do that is to continue my desire to control “my space” which, in reality, is more of a shared space.  It’s purely selfish.  Sure, it’d still enable her to get outside, but I feel like it may defeat the purpose of sharing life and home and even our backyard. 

 On a deeper level, God has blessed me, and most of us out there (trust me, if you’re able to read this on the internet, you are blessed more than most of the world).  When we think of how we can share all that God has given us, let us not be motivated by our selfish desires, fears, and control quirks.  Let us cast of anything that may hinder selfless giving…and simply give.  We have been given much so that we can share with those who have little.  This does not mean sharing for the sake of notice or sharing because of the tax refund we’ll get.  It simply means sharing money, love, or the simple Truth of God with those who really need it.  Not because of what such actions will provide for us, in the timing we see most fit, but because it’s what another person really needs in the moments they need it most.  As with so many other life principles, we find this modeled out by Christ.  Sharing and sacrificial living is exemplified most clearly on the cross- God who had it all, gave it all for us, who have nothing and can do nothing compared to that which was achieved there.  He did it all because He loves us.    

 When I started typing, I was still mad at my roommate, but somehow as I’ve progressed through these thoughts I find myself convicted that it’s time for me to learn to live in a way that is more out of love and care for others and less motivated by my own selfish tendencies.  Maybe some of you will too… 

More Cleaning

Posted by Amy W in Devotional, Jesus and tagged with , , , , , ,

I stumbled upon this blog from April 26, 2005 on my old site.  It was a welcome reminder for me today…Enjoy.

 

 

A sad but true quote from what I read last night.  My only hope is that I do not fall victim to this…again

“All too often, however, people say they believe in Jesus and their lifestyles betray their beliefs.”

Another segment from the book:

“The person who seeks power is controlled by power.  The person who seeks acceptance is controlled by the people he or she wants to please.  We do not control ourselves.  We are controlled by the lord of our life [not the Lord, but the lords...other "gods" whatever you want to call it.]“

“If Jesus is Lord, then he is the one whom we submit, for he has the ultimate power.  There are no bargains.  We cannot manipulate him by playing ‘Lets’s Make A Deal’.  If he is Lord, the only option open to us is to do his will, to let him have control.  Jesus remains Lord whether we accept him or not.  His lordship, his essence, is not affected by what we choose.  But our lives are drastically changed by our choice.”

“Jesus ownership of our lives is not a control that manipulates us or takes us away from our dignity.  Jesus never presumes things or decides things for people.  He does not abuse or bully us.  In fact, we find Jesus asking as many questions as people asked him.  “What do you want me to do for you?”(Mark10:51). ‘Who do you say that I am?’ (Matthew 16:15)…”

“Jesus always preserves our freedom.  He allows us to choose him over all others.  Jesus will not control us in the wrong way.  Nor will he control us in the easy way, by making every decision for us.  He governs our lives in the right way: by being who he is without comprimise and insisting we become all we were meant to be.  He tells us this can occur only through following him, obeying him and maintaining a living, passionate kinship to him.”

I was reading this in Rebecca Manly Pippert’s Out of the Salt Shaker & Into The World last night and was completely drawn in.  I found these words after a long night of questions, longing, talking about marriage and kids…and then realizing just how far away I am from any of that becoming reality (should it ever become reality).  As I opened the word, God began to fill me with comfort that He is my Love.  And it is in His presence that my heart finds rest.  I felt much better.  After reading the Word, and after a good prayer and talk with God, I opened up this book.  Even through this, God reminded me that HE was Lord of my life.  And the desires of my heart should not be stirred until He awakens them.  Jesus is there with me, every day…I will never find complete fulfillment in the power that I seek, the acceptance I seek, the companionship that I seek, the earthly love that I seek…complete fulfillment comes only from the Lord God.  He is handing it to me…my only job is to CHOOSE to take it.  He is handing it to you too…will you take it?

I liked this because of what I’ve been thinking about over the last 24 hrs.  I’ll write more about that later.

 

Feeling Welcome

Posted by Amy W in Random Thoughtz

Tonight I found myself wandering into DC for a church gathering.  I knew no one except two of the people I was with…neither of which had been to this gathering before.  The one person who did know about it… she’s only been a few times. 

The first thing that stood out to me about this church gathering was the openness of the group.  Granted, everyone gathered in a townhouse…and it’s hard to be in such close proximity with people and not find youself talking to someone, but regardless, So many people came up and seemed genuinely interested in me.  More than once did a person come up to my group and go through names making sure they had them all down.  It was impressive.  Several people came up to talk to me…I’ve never said “I’m an engineer” so many times in such a short amount of time…really, for an introvert like me…all those people was a little draining.  I was impressed though at their intentionality and openness to new people.  There wasn’t a person that I talked to that didn’t seem genuine.  It made me wish I saw that more in larger church settings. 

The other thing I noticed was the diversity of the group.  I missed being around people who weren’t all white and honestly, I really enjoyed it.  Asian, middle eastern, white, and black all joined together to praise and worship Christ.   It was beautiful…the way God designed it…for all of us to come together, despite obvious outward differences, yet still united in Him, for His Glory.

I struggled being there.  Some things that happened were new to me, but also, I knew that I was there for one night.  I was there with my roomates…and at the end of the night I would be going home…and eventually going to a church that was not theirs.  I was not looking for fellowship, I’m pretty tied into fellowship at my home church.  I struggled because in all reality, I knew that the people I met would not be people I would see for a long time…if ever again.  For this reason, I found it hard to be intentional and I know not wheter that is an okay thing…if its a bad attitude I should work on.  

nothing profound…just ramblings.   enjoy

Insecurity

Posted by Amy W in Christianity, Jesus, Scripture and tagged with , , , , , , ,

  

“Now may the God of peace – who brought up from the dead our Lord Jesus,
The great Shepherd of the sheep,
And ratified an eternal covenant with his blood -
May he equip you with all you need for doing his will
Through the power of Jesus Christ.”
 (Hebrews 13:20-21)

 Whether we are ready to admit it or not, we all have forms of insecurity that affect us in some way.  Heck, we may not even realize it.  For many insecurity keeps us from pursuing our passions, thinking we’re not good enough or thinking that others won’t appreciate the gifts we have.  For some, insecurity may drive us to overcompensate in a specific area of our life.  I’ve seen others compromise in their convictions, seeking approval or validation with regards to a personal area that insecurity may fill.  Or perhaps it looks like the lowering of one’s standards just to secure something because they fear that they aren’t good enough to have what they really want.   I would say that one of the most common manifestations of insecurity can be seen in our interpersonal relationships – the ones we have and the ones we dare not go after. 

 People have a natural affinity for the things they’re used to.  In forming relationships, we take the path of least resistance – finding ourselves around people who look and talk and act a lot like we do.  We wear a similar kind of clothing, listen to similar kinds of music, read similar kinds of books, and have similar socio-economic backgrounds.  As cliques form, you’ll see a group of people coming together with more similarities than differences.  And if you watch a gathering of many cliques, in church per say, rarely do the people of these cliques inter-mingle with each other.  I know this happens, I’ve watched it…and I’d have to say it’s a rather interesting phenomenon. 

 So why does all this happen?  Why is it that just as with so many other behaviors, these actions can be pulled together in a box and analyzed text book style?  Probably because it’s so common.  Deep in the core of our being is a desire to be accepted and liked.  For some reason we have it set in our minds that we are more likely to be accepted and liked by those who are similar to us.  As the differences between people grow the effort that it may take to build and sustain a relationship increases.  Along the same lines, the probability for initial rejection increases exponentially as the differences between a person and the group they’re trying to penetrate increases.  Most, if not all, people fear rejection of people at some level.  As a result, we stay in the places with the people we’re most comfortable with and end up in fairly predictable circumstances…again, all of which we’re relatively comfortable with.    

 So, if we want to break out of this, what do we do?

 I don’t want to over-simplify the answer as it’s definitely something that is easier said than done.  But we can look to Christ for encouragement and hope as our own fears or insecurities rise up. 

 Christ, at the pinnacle of his time here on earth, faced the ultimate mortal judgment that a man could have – he was killed on a cross.  The thing is, He knew the judgment he would face amongst men and he knew the outcome of that judgment – he also knew that he was innocent and undeserving of it all.  Still, Christ moved forward in his ministry here on earth – loving the unlovable, caring for the sick, and boldly bringing Truth to the Pharisees.  He allowed the fullness of mans judgment to rest upon his shoulders because he knew that even greater than that, was God’s judgment.  He fully understood the love that God had for Him and knew that He was sent to share that with us here on earth.  In the eyes of those who crucified him Jesus was deserving of their deadly judgment, in the eyes of God, he was completely innocent, fully loved and fully accepted.  It is a fact that the death of Christ was needed and is used in place of our own, much deserved, judgment for sin, believe me, I’m not trying to discard that idea at all.  But for this moment I want to highlight and focus on the fact that Christ was secure not in the people nor the circumstances he faced – He allowed man’s judgment and horrible circumstances to happen because of His unwavering security in the Father he served.

 In the same way, when we finally recognize that ultimate judgment lies in the hands of God and that we are truly loved and cared for and sanctified fully – when we become sure of that fact – insecurity begins to fall away and we find in ourselves (and in Christ) the freedom to really love as Christ and God have loved us.  When we understand truth and embrace our identity in Christ, the views and judgments of man seem to matter a lot less.  We know that we are already accepted by the Creator of the Earth…what does it matter what anyone else thinks of us?  We should be free to talk to anyone, take a risk with anyone, because regardless of what may happen…we are eternally accepted by the Lord.  Embracing the truth and knowing whose judgment really matters frees us up to be accepted by others and even rejected by others.  They don’t define us…Christ does. 

 Looking at Christ, we find a man who risked all for the sake of God.  There may be someone in our lives today that needs someone to risk showing them love, even in the chance of rejection.  Holding tight to the Cross…will you muster the courage to step away from the insecurity and show love them regardless…even if it is a warm smile and a genuine ‘hello, how are you’?