Daily Archives: July 9, 2008

An Apology To My Brothers

Posted by Amy W in Christianity, Dating & Relationships, singleness and tagged with , , , , , , , , , ,

2 blogs in 1 day??  Yup!  That’s right.  (This turned into a long post…there is a question for my guy readers at the bottom of this post.  Feedback would be wonderful!) 

I want to offer and apology and clarification regarding a recent blog on singleness and dating entitled, Not Adding Up.  I got some feedback that made me realize I may have not conveyed my thoughts in the way I really wanted to.  So let’s see if I can make this right… 

First off, I want to apologize to my Christian brothers out there (I know I have girl readers, but it’s usually the guys who comment, so I want to clarify so that you aren’t left my site feeling discouraged).  It is not my intent to bash you in any way.  I’m not trying to point my fingers at you saying this is your fault.  OR Man Up!  OR anything of the like.  I’m very sorry if you felt offended or hurt by what I wrote.  In general, with the Christian consensus of the male as a leader and initiator, you guys are left with a pretty tough job.  I don’t envy the challenge or the fear of rejection that you face.  I don’t want to seem as if I’m complaining or tearing you guys down.  So I apologize if it came across that way.      

My intent in the Adding Up post wasn’t to complain about Christian men in any way.  Really I was just contemplating the fact that after hearing so much from Christian women about the lack of men showing interest that I finally heard the same thing coming from a Christian Guy.  I just thought it was funny…that’s all.  I’m sorry if I conveyed anything that may have been discouraging to single brothers who want and are looking for a wife. 

I say it doesn’t add up, but in actuality, I acknowledge that there exists many reasons why people aren’t getting dates…or why they’re not being asked on dates.  My friend John goes into several of these in one of his recent blogs about why Christian guys don’t ask out Christian girls.  Reasons include but are not limited to:  fear, intimidation, insecurity, lack of potential, lack of compatibility, and, honestly, just not being attracted to them.  Yes, it was a bit of a shock to realize that there might be people who just aren’t attracted to me (haha, joking…sort of, *sigh*). 

There are many reasons, and sitting around complaining about it isn’t very productive for anyone.    

In a short essay on The Puritans and Sex (“Christian Hedonists or Religious Prudes? The Puritans on Sex” from Sex and the Supremacy of Christ) Mark Dever says this about the reasons people have traditionally married (and for purposes of this discussion, dated): 

“Roman Catholics tended to emphasize Genesis 1:28 (“Be fruitful and multiply”) and the Lutherans emphasized 1 Corinthians 7:9 (“It is better to marry than to be aflame with passion”), the Puritians tended to go to Genesis 2:18 – It is not good that man should be alone.”  In other words, the Roman church emphasized procreation, the Lutherans pointed to protection, and the Puritians, while agreeing with both of these, stressed companionship in life and partnership in the service of God.” (p.259)

 For me, I’d have to most agree with the puritans, seeing marriage as a partnership…a ministry of sorts that is intimately shared between two people for the Glory of God.  Kids and sex are great and I can’t wait for that part of it, but marriage is more than that.  Companionship is wonderful, but it’s more than what marriage will allow us…it’s about the glory it brings to God.  My hope is that those who are holding out on dating (whether asking out or finally saying yes to those who are asking them) they’re doing so not because of insecurity, not because they don’t yet see perfection, but because they are looking for the person with whom a relationship may most Glorify God (which may mean forgoing the list of mini [not-so-essential] essentials that includes 6′ 2″, brown hair, musician, and rich for the sake of Godly man who compliments the person God has created you to be and whom you will best compliment). 

 As we continue to hold out…as we continue to wonder where all the good Christians have gone, perhaps we can continue to grow personally into the men and women God created us to be, and encouraging that growth in the men and women we have in our midst.

 While I was in Kentucky a few months ago, I had an epiphany of sorts both for personal application and also for Christian women in general.  What I thought/realized was this, instead of complaining of the shyness of Christian guys, or their lack of action, or whatever else, we as sisters and friends should find ways to encourage guys in their leadership.  

 In the book Recovering Biblical Manhood and Womanhood, John Piper defines the following:

 ”At the Heart of Mature Masculinity is a sense of Benevolent Responsibility to lead, provide for and protect women in ways appropriate to a man’s differing relationships.” (p.35)

“At the heart of mature femininity is a freeing disposition to affirm, receive, and nurture strength and leadership from worthy men in ways appropriate to a woman’s differing relationships” (p. 46)

If John Piper is correct, God created us with complimentary roles that ultimately glorify him.  Beyond (Or the case of single women – before) husband and wife relationships, we as women can and should encourage/affirm the leadership (and growth in leadership) of the guys around us.  Unfortunately, I dont think I know what this looks like/could look like…

So GUYS, I apologize for my most recent post and other posts which may have discouraged you in the past.  Trust me when I say my intent is not to tear down any child of God, especially the men that God has called to lead in so many ways.  At the same time I ASK THIS:

 If us single women would stop complaining about the inaction we see coming from Christian guys with regards to dating and re-direct our energy into encouraging your growth as a Godly man in ways that are appropriate and healthy for non-marital relationships…what might that look like?  I’ve asked this question before (not on my blog) and got no answer, but perhaps someone will have some ideas on how it might look. 

If complaining about the lack of attention we are getting is discouraging to single guys, how can we encourage you, specifically with regards to your leadership and roles as Men of God (described by John Piper above)?

a thought for the day…

Posted by Amy W in Christianity, Prayer, Random Thoughtz and tagged with , , , , , , ,

I must admit that I once loved David Crowder music. I still think the music is good, but I prefer not to listen to him. For a while I felt like I couldn’t escape the songs by Him and Chris Tomlin and a few others. In impromptu worship gatherings, in church, in the radio, on road trips…everywhere I went it was all DCB, all the time. They are great songs and great artists, but it seemed like everywhere I turned, that’s all I would hear. Too much of a good thing can sometimes be a bad thing, ya know?

Well, because of this I’ve gotten into the habit of pressing the next button on my ipod whenever a Dave Crowder song comes on.

Last night, however, was a different story. I spent the evening with a few friends in downtown Annapolis. We goofed off, listened to live music, danced a little, and even talked about how hard and frustrating it is when we know we should desire God, but instead we desire sin (or even when we desire our desires and hopes and dreams over God himself). Although the discussion was based an upcoming transition into college for one of my friends, it was definitely relevant and thought provoking for me personally, and where I’ve found myself stuck for the past few weeks.

On my ride home, I talked to a close friend of mine who challenged me to spend some time in prayer, confessing and again laying down my sin and my idols and the crap and frustration that has marked my spiritual life on and off for the last several months and especially over the last few weeks. Basically she encouraged me to be honest before God. Simple advice. I know everything she said, but it helped to hear it from someone else. Conviction came through her voice, and tears welled up as I realized she was saying what I had been more of less avoiding for a while now.

When I got home I heeded the advice of my friend. I spent some time with the Lord, being honest…telling Him the things He already knows, but telling him because ultimately relationships never “just happen”…even when that relationship is with the Lord. The communication within relationships is a continual process of speaking and listening – and that’s a key component that’s been missing for me lately. I laid outside on my hammock praying and talking to God. The wind blew and fireflies lit up all around me. I snuggled up in the blanket I had brought outside and imagined that Jesus was there with me as I spoke about

Frustration
Sadness
Loneliness
Confusion
Hopes
Dreams
Disappointment
and eventually my own sin
My hate of the flesh
my idols
my selfishness
And my continual need for Him

Eventually I grew quiet wanting to hear something…anything from my Father. I don’t know how long I laid there…searching the sky and watching the trees blow around me. My IPod shuffled through songs, but I laid there oblivious, as if I was surrounded by silence. After a while I heard these words come over my IPod. For the first time in a long time I didn’t skip forward, but listened and prayed the words as He sang.

Take my heart, I lay it down
At the feet of You who’s crowned
And take my life, I’m letting go
I lift it up, to You who’s throned
And I will worship you, Lord
Only You, Lord
And I will bow down before You
Only You, Lord
Take my fret, take my fear
All I have I’m leaving here
Be all my hopes, be all my dreams
Be all my delights, be my everything
And it’s just You and me here now
Only You and me here now
You should see the view
When it’s only You
(Dave Crowder Band, Only You)

For the first time in a long time I didn’t skip forward, but listened as the words penetrated my heart and rose up as if they were coming from me alone. For the first time in a long time I felt a shift in my heart…a shift that seemed to move me a little closer to Him.