Every so often I will have one of these moments. They’re moments when I feel completely empowered. Almost as if the clouds that seem to blind me to the reality that is my life lifts and I see clearly…even if for only a moment. I had one such moment tonight. The only thing I saw is that there is a world around me waiting to be discovered…and instead of discovering, I’m sitting on my couch waiting for this or that…thinking that once this or that enters into my life…I will finally be able to live the life I am meant to live…the life filled with hope and purpose…a life promised in Jeremiah 29.
I am fumbling. I find myself having a hard time clinging to a strength and truth that I know comes from God especially as I walk with those around me. The truth of God’s goodness in the midst of waiting and being content in singleness is stretched to the limits as I talk with friends as they too struggle with their singleness. My heart drops as I am forced to answer their questions as to whether I really believe the words I use as I try to encourage them in their loneliness. I do…its hard…but I believe it. My own loneliness and a genuine happiness for friends goes head to head in an all out battle as I watch close friends enter into relationships and stages of life that seem almost unattainable to me almost all the time. I hold with clenched fists the Truth that God is good and that His ways are perfect as my less-than-perfect-life continues to unfold…and the messyness of my past continues follow me around like an ever-present shadow.
My confusion about next steps in my life builds up a feeling of hopelessness… especially as people around me seem to have details of their life falling into place. In some cases their pieces seem to fall all too closely to the places in which I wish my pieces were falling. I listen as they work out details that seem so clear to me…their answer is obvious…if only they saw what I saw. If only God would reveal to me in a way that he has revealed to them…
Envy ensues.
My patience is wearing thin. My faith is fading quickly. Or so it seems. Holy Spirit…where is your fruit tonight?
My flight reaction is growing quickly…I want/need to get away. I need to go somewhere…to experience the world. I want to leave now.
And all of this serves as a premise to an idea that I had tonight…
I want to go to Ireland.
Or somewhere…
Soon.
wow, I find that whenever I read what you write, God uses it to poke at me, or encourage me to move in a direction closer to Him. I wish I knew a good way to encourage you back, but I am not sure what to say…
But, if you really want a place to go, you can come visit me in Korea… it would be awesome to have you here. I know you don’t know me that well, but hey, it could be fun.
I will be praying that the Holy Spirit would fill you with the wisdom to know what steps to take to live that life full of hope and purpose here and now.
Hi friend,
Don’t get discouraged. God has perfect timing- even if we mess His awesome plans up, somehow He gets it all together again. Just look at the bible- we humans, repeatedly, screwed His plans. But He is going to win in the end. And your life (as small as it is on the big scheme of things) will unfold in the same way, His plans for you will persist- no matter how hard you “screw them up”. You’re in His light and that’s an amazing truth… so have patience for His workings- don’t force yourself to be satisfied, but pursue contentment.
Sincerely,
your friend
I agree wholeheartedly; at best, we are robbed of potential growth by missing key things of God, at worst we are crippled for that same want of growth and nourishment.
Amen, Amy!
jim