Do you find it funny
to anticipate a day
for years, to anticipate a day
only to welcome its arrival
and find fear
where none stood before.
All I ever wanted was freedom
and love.
And on that day I met fear.
A fear that has blocked it all:
freedom,
love,
and the progress of time
forever.
Monthly Archives: January 2010
A Change Is Coming My Way
So, we’re about 1 year into our church plant…and about 6 months into being an “open” church.
we have grown tremendously…we probably have 50 people or so…maybe more (honestly, I never count…I really don’t care about the numbers and I’m a bad estimator).
We have 3 official communities and 1 community that meets with one of the 3 during our community week, but together (as their own community) is serving a specific pocket of people and need in the city. it’s pretty sweet.
I no longer know everyone I go to church with…but that’s more because of the new people coming in and the structure of the college aged community that I was part of.
This week, however, will be different. After a talk with my pastor, about 2 months of praying, and another discussion with the pastor I decided to change communities. I’m welcoming the change…
What this means for me:
1. I’m back with all the families and babies again.
2. There is at least 1 week out of the month where I can’t easily “walk” to church (though I may still attempt the walk if weather permits).
3. I’ll be in a new large group of people where I probably don’t know most people…once again.
4. I will no longer be one of the oldest people in my community, not counting all the children, I will probably be one of the youngest people.
5. It’s a new year, a new community…this change will, Lord willing, bring some welcome changes into my walk with God (I like to change things up sometime…and when I feel “stuck” in my walk…a change can often help jump start things)
A Little Spoon Waiting For A Big Spoon
I want to write, but the only thing on my mind is the relationship status I have posted on my Facebook: “Single”.
This past week I went to Reno for a company meeting. On the first night there we had a welcome reception. Everyone and their spouses attended for appetizers, drinks, and socializing. I ran into a plant manager that I worked for a few years ago. He introduced me to his wife and then asked if I brought anyone with me. No, I didn’t. Do I ever?
A few weeks ago a friend made a passing comment about how content I was and how at peace I seemed when it came to relationships. Perhaps I am content at times, but inwardly I rollercoaster over the reality of my singleness. There are days and times when do feel at peace reflecting on my lack of romantic relationships. Empowered, even. There are other days, however, when I find myself frustrated, confused, filled with longing and desire. If I’m honest I can confess those days where I scope out every guy in a room, assessing potential. Yup, some days I’m that girl – the ones the authors of Christian dating books warn against and tell you to never become. Yup, that’s me, probably all of us at some time or another.
I’m surrounded by other singles who I know have longing. I hear it in conversations, I see it in actions taken with the wrong guys/girls. I have longing too, you know. I hurt too. I want them to know that I’m not a superwoman who has it all together. I’m in the same boat…part of me hurts for all of us sitting at the single table.
I recently prayed with a friend who is probably walking into the beginning of the end of a relationship with the wrong kind of guy. She sincerely hurts, and as we prayed I also got choked up thinking about the turmoil in her. She spoke about how she doesn’t want to miss out on what God might do in this guy’s life…you know, to turn him around. I later told her that it was okay (and normal) to acknowledge her hurt over the idea that the end of this relationship is, once again, the beginning of singleness. Singleness - that time in life when you just don’t know who or what God has on the way…or if that person even exists.
I recently read that God will sometimes allow revival or spiritual highs to help give strength to get through those times we spend walking in the valley of everyday life. Maybe that idea can also be applied to our walks as single people. We all will experience moments of strength where we completely embrace our single life. We experience freedom from the paralyzing, unmet desires of our hearts…and it’s great! But perhaps, more often than not, we find ourselves in the valley of longing and desire. As we may spend much more of our time there, remember the heights to which we’ve been and meditate on them as we walk through (not around or above or below…but THROUGH) those valleys of longing and desire. Those memories mark divine moments in our walks with God…when we focus and reflect upon them we are by default also focusing and reflecting on Him and what He’s done. Bringing that perspective into the forefront of our minds will help to refocus our attention away from the circumstances of today (walking in a valley of loneliness) and back on to God. I know we will begin to see glimpses of Him and His presence with us in that valley…and that should offer the strength and ability we need to walk on in a way that is still glorifying to Him.
I thinks its naïve to expect those longings and desires to never awaken. I that eventually we will all walk through a valley or two (it may be singleness, or a job, or illness, or whatever). It’s not whether we hit that valley that matters…it’s how we journey through it – the decisions we make, the actions and responses we have, and the focus of our minds; that’s what really matters.
I’m walking in that valley today. Walking strong…stumbling along…regardless I’m continually being held up (or picked up) by God. For that I am ever grateful.
A Road Revisited
I wonder if Robert felt as torn staring down those roads -
The two that called with equal weight.
I wonder if he cried over the one left behind
The one denied.
A decision made in 20 lines
Couldn’t have the same gravity
That calls me back to mine.
A Tattered photograph, kept in a bag
Two beautiful and dusty roads, one of them denied.
I look upon it and cry
As I pray and dream
Wishing everything were different.
What seems like an instant response
Was a promise to God -
Rehearsed for a year, in fact.
Giving me the words once I heard your words -
The road in my photograph.
I look upon it and cry-
How I wanted to hear those words
And still want those words.
I collect leaves and flowers
Simple reminders kept in a bag
Keeping some hope alive.
As I walk farther down this path
I still pray.
There, somewhere between my dreams and wishes
Your words would draw my attention
Up ahead the two roads narrow down to one
Beautiful and dusty, my longing is filled
those old reminders are needed no more.
A new photograph, kept in a bag-
Two roads diverged ‘n brought back together.
Nothing would be denied
And everything would be different.
2010 Resolutions
I have decided to make a few resolutions for the New Year… or maybe it’s more of a hope for an improvement and/or change than they are resolutions…either way, they are:
1. Discipline – I’m more of a random person and get distracted easily. No excuse when it comes to my relationship with God, however. I know much of this will only be able by His Grace, but I would like to bring a little more discipline into my life. Areas such as morning devotional/prayer time, fasting, serving. For the most part I’ve made these part of my life, but only in a “when I feel like it” kind of way. This translates to choppy devotions at red stop lights on my way to work; serving when it suits me or sounds fun; and fasting…well, honestly that is a discipline that I haven’t practiced much in the recent years…or ever, if I’m going to be honest. I can’t make some crazy schedule that I’ll inevitably fail with in the next 2 weeks, so I’m hoping that I can start slowly and with a lot of prayer, asking God to help me in this area.
2. Joy – Somewhere in my transition from crazy, carefree party girl to grown-up/post grad Christian I became super serious and lost some of my silly side. I don’t need to be the person I was before, but I would like to have more simple joy in my life. Joy is one of the fruits of the spirit, and I understand that there might be a “quiet joy” that one can experience…but I really want some exuberant, happy joy that can also be experienced. I asked Jesus to give me this for Christmas and it’s turned into a prayer request that I’d like to take into the New Year. Again, this is something that must come from God…so on my end it’ll probably start with a lot of prayer and intentionality in my relationship with God.
3. Being Thankful – I truly believe that our perspective shapes our experience of everything. As selfish and narcissistic as we can sometimes be, we often get sucked into us, what we don’t have, what we want, what we need, etc…Something I learned from Corrie Ten Boom’s Hiding Place and then from a vacation in El Salvador is that perspective can make or break an experience. This year, I’d like to intentionally make shifts in my perspective – meaning I would like to be more thankful to God for the things He’s granted me in life today and especially for the absence of things that I really want. At the end of the day He knows what I need each day and has provided. As a result, I must trust that if something I want is not given to me today, there must be reason for it. I think I’ve spent too much of the fall 2009 focusing on what’s not in my life (asking, pleading, being angry, bitter, etc) and not enough energy focusing on today and what God has provided me to get through each day.
4. Write More – it’s a big love of mine and a way I definitely connect with God. I want to grow in this area and just haven’t taken the time to write like I once did (poetry and blogging/devotional/random thoughts/journaling/etc).
5. Exercise & Eat Healthy – it’s the token resolution…everyone has this on their list…so it must be on mine.
6. Use the Library – I’d just like to buy less books, get rid of those on my shelf that are not earth shattering and use the library more. It’s a budget/”wise with my money” decision. We’ll see how long it lasts.
