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Giving “It” Up To Get What You Want

Posted by Amy W in Uncategorized, relationships, Dating & Relationships, singleness

For years now I have held the belief that at our very core, people are relatively selfish.  We act and make decisions in order to survive, obtain and achieve the things that we want.  Sometimes these come regardless of the cost it may have in our lives, on others, or with the world around us.  Granted, my ideas here might very well stem from a realization of my own selfishness, but I’m still convinced I’m not alone in being a selfish person…I think we are all selfish, some to a greater degree than others.

As I’ve walked (or barely crawled) along a Christ centered path over the past 10 years, I have also began to notice how truths and encouraging concepts are spun in such a way that they feed or feed on our selfish tendencies.  People serve because of the growth or “feel-good-ness” they will experience in that service project.  People ask God for forgiveness so that they will ultimately go to heaven not hell (the emphasis not being on God and who He is and what He has done, but rather on us and where we will spend eternity).  And of course, as often discussed in books for singles, the ol’  “stop looking and the one will arrive” or “I gave up dating and 1 month later the one showed up”.  All of these are good ideas, truths, and principles, but their application in our lives, if we’re not careful may completely miss the point.  The result is a continued focus on our needs, fears, and longings instead of on the God who really longs for the attention and the credit as it is due.

This blog will focus on the last of those examples: “kissing dating good-bye in order to get your prince (or princess, if you’re a guy reading this) that you’d like to kiss.”  Here’s the scenario:

Earlier this week I posted something on facebook about my co-workers wanting to get and screen dates for me.  Shortly after I posted this, I got a message from a friend wanting to set me up with their friend.  They first posed the idea to me before Christmas, and I was all about it.  I’m not sure what happened, other than nothing happened, until Monday afternoon when they again asked to set up me with their friend whom I’ve never met.  Probably making things more complex than they need to be, I’m trying to figure out how or when to respond to this latest inquiry.

So, I was sharing this along with a few other ambiguous details with a few friends the other night.  After a few questions and a lot of laughs, I may have made a comment along the lines of, “I’m not in a rush for (or wanting to rush) anything, but I’m ready for something”.  The responses I got from my friends were similar to the advice I’ve read many times in dating books  (usually by people who were married by the time they were 23 or 24):

“The right one will come when you’re least expecting it”

“Take a break from guys…the one always shows up when you take a break from guys”

Soap Box #1

I will preface the rest of this post by stating the following:  These concepts in and of themselves are not bad concepts.  At the root of these suggestions we find good, even great, intentions.  For example, there are times when relationships or dating can become a thing of an idol and we need to take a break.  These breaks will often help tear down the alters that relationship and dating idols build up in our hearts (or repair the damage left by previous relationships/relations).  In these “breaks” we are often able to create space to refocus on our first love, Jesus.  Along similar lines, not expecting or  being on the hunt for a mate can help us learn how to develop and sustain healthy relationships with people of the opposite sex.  It allows you to begin to see people for who they are in Christ…not just how they would look holding your hand.

In the right situations and conversations, this advice can be incredibly encouraging and good, but we should be cognizant of how and when we drop this kind of advice on our friends.  Sometimes someone really needs to heed this kind of advice, other times, not so much.

The downside is that if we’re not careful, our flesh may turn words meant to encourage into actions that are done simply to receive the things we want.  We might be tempted to give up things, in this case dating, in order to usher in the arrival of the mate we long for.  We might stop expecting or pretend to not care about a bf/gf in order to convince God to provide us with one.  We might vocally “take a break” from guys/girls because it’s the spiritual thing to do and looks good to the people around us.  Internally, however, we secretly hope that this break culminates with the happily ever after ending we’ve been dreaming about.  Again the motives are not on godly things, but selfishly focused on the goal that we’re ultimately wanting in our lives.  This can come on part of the person receiving and applying the advice in their own lives, or may come in the motivation for suggesting such things.  It’s not always clear-cut, but we should be aware of how easily concepts meant for good can be twisted into something that becomes our means of earning or even convincing God to provide to us the things we want most.  It’s foolish and requires us the courage to be self-aware and honest with ourselves regarding our own motives and intentions for doing certain things.

Soapbox #2

In the grand scheme of things, I know that these words as spoken to me last night were meant to be encouraging.  Let’s be honest, do we always know what to say to our single friends who are approaching “flirty- one” (31)? Ha! I certainly don’t…and I’m THAT GIRL!! There are always those given responses that we throw out, but as I sit here and reflect on the night’s conversation, I can’t help but think that context and knowing the audience to which you are delivering advice and encouragement is very important (this concept spans far beyond singleness and dating by the way).

You see, I’m not the girl who goes on a lot of dates.  I’m the girl who rarely gets dates.  I chose to take “breaks” along the way and God (clearly) forced me into “no dating breaks” in order to work on and heal areas of my life that desperately needed healing.  A large portion of my Christian walk (for better or worse) has been a big, huge, break.  Some people need to start their break today…others need to step away from the “break” and start to embrace the idea of dating and being open or awkward (because there are always awkward dates…aren’t there?) in attempts to find one that fits.  Depending on where a person falls on this spectrum at any given time is probably where you want to encourage them.  Maybe I will need a break from guys again one day, I’m not sure that applies to me today.  Sorry.

Over the breaks and non-breaks, those of my choice and those of God’s, I have prayed to learn the contentment that Paul tells us he learned in Philippians 4:11-13.  I have tasted joy in waiting and boasted of peaceful contentment.  At other times, I have wrestled with deferred hopes and restless longings that I question will ever be filled (Proverbs 13:12).  Both responses appearing as if they were some kind of natural ebb and flow of life…coming and going…as if it were God’s way of keeping me on my toes :-)   The conclusion I arrive at most often is if God wants me to be single tomorrow…it’ll be okay because He’s cared for me as a single woman through today.

I do not expect anything, but I am hopeful and ready for something

…whether that be later today, next week, or 30 years from now.

(ehhh…God, please don’t make it 30 years from now)

With where I stand today, the things and words that are most encouraging to me aren’t to close off and pull away from opportunities…it’s to be more open and trust that regardless of what does or does not unfold in my life that God is still my creator, He knows me intimately, and He has purposes for my life that are good.   In addition to all the advice found in books encouraging singles to kiss dating goodbye, I can’t help but conclude that these are also viable advice options when trying to encourage single friends (especially since taking a break from guys/girls isn’t what a person always needs to do).  Consider the person you’re encouraging and the context of their situation, perhaps besides just listening to and praying with them, this is the best advice and support that you can offer them:

Be open

Be patient

Remain hopeful beyond circumstance

Always trust God to be who He says He is, regardless of what transpires as we live out the 3 previous items.

Simple, but incredibly complex and not always the easiest to do well when we’re dealing with life.  Again, these probably apply to circumstances that span far beyond dating…this is just the material I had to work with today :-)

Be Still…Know

Posted by Amy W in Christianity, life, Life Lessons From Church Planting and tagged with , , , , , , , ,

Life is sometimes a whirlwind.  Minutes quickly fade to hours and hours to days and days to months.  You wake up one morning and realize that in the very attempts to go through life, you forget what it is that allows you to truly live.

For months I found myself increasingly caught up in survival mode…”auto pilot”, as my pastor called it the other day.  Fall started out wonderful, school was good, church was good, work was changing, but good.  The pace picked up with the increasing changes.  Survival mode kicked in as I got really sick and tried to manage work + school.  Eventually in the hustle and bustle I either got way too busy, or a little disappointed in God that everything was hitting me at once.  Either way, everything was getting done, but the time between my talks with God grew longer and longer….  I was doing a lot…but somewhere along the way, in the course of months, I completely forgot to simply be.

We all go through these seasons of busyness.  Sometimes the distractions are truly distractions, but sometimes we get caught up in doing really good things – being responsible with our kids, our work, our school, and our church ministries.  We do, do, do…and we strive to do well.  What I find happens, however, is that in the race to do, we forget that first and foremost we must simply be.

In Psalm 46:10 we find this:

“Be still and know that I am God. I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted on the earth. 

A few weeks ago, I ran off to a women’s retreat.  It was the first time in months that I had really allowed myself to just sit and absorb encouragement, truth, and wait for whatever God had to speak to me.  On Saturday afternoon, I went for a walk by myself to pray, confess, and just decompress everything that was happening in life.  Being on the water, I wandered down this old pier and stood at the end.  The sun was shining, a breeze was blowing…and I just stood there.  Music played from my iPod, but the only words I kept hearing was “be still”.

“Be still, Amy.  KNOW that I am your sovereign LORD.”

 I closed my eyes and stood there, still, for nearly an hour.  Today I wandered around the National Arboretum in DC.  It was beautiful and while I was with friends, I found myself lost in thought many times…always coming back to those same words that whispered to me on the pier a few weeks before.

Be still and know.

I strive. I fight.  I burn out.  Work continues.  Ministry and opportunity continue to grow…I look and want to understand what I can do to grow our prayer team.  How can I encourage those around me to seek the Lord and grow in their relationship with him?  I default to find things I can, could, would, should do…when really I need to LISTEN to this verse that keeps invading my brain and simply take the time to be still.  I need to be available to Him again, seeking His voice and His word, knowing full well how sweet His active presence is in our lives…sigh.

Brussels & Quinoa

Posted by Amy W in Gluten Free Cooking, life and tagged with , , , , , , , ,

I found this recipe while perusing Pintrist the other day and decided to add it into my meal plan for this week.  It was my first time cooking quinoa, brussels, and leeks – so don’t be intimidated if you’ve never tried to work with them before!  If I can do it, so can you!

Overall it was fairly easy to make…and better yet, delicious to eat.  I can’t take all the credit, however…this recipe was originally found on The Gluten Free Goddess Blog…the pictures are my own.

If you’ve never prepared leeks and/or brussels sprouts before I suggest you take a quick look at these videos so that you know what you’re getting yourself into.  Very easy to do…and will help keep sand from being cooked with your food :-)

Video From Gourmet Magazine Test Kitchen : How to Prepare Leeks 

Video From Fine Cooking:  How to Prepare Brussels Sprouts

Ingredients:

1 cup Quinoa
1 leek, washed, trimmed, sliced
1 lb. Brussels sprouts, washed, trimmed, halved (or quartered, if large)
1/4 cup silvered blanched almonds
1/4 cup plump golden raisins, packed (I used regular raisins, since that’s what I already had)
4 tablespoons olive oil
2 tablespoons golden balsamic vinegar (U used regular balsamic vinegar, since that’s what I already had)
Sea salt, to taste
1-2 garlic cloves, minced
2 teaspoons dried dill

Instructions:

1.  Prepare the quinoa according to the package directions (approx. 1 c. quinoa + 2 c. water, boil, turn down heat and simmer until the water is gone and the quinoa is fluffy)

2.  Preheat oven to 400 Deg F.

3.  Prepare the leeks and brussels to be roasted in the oven.  (Watch the videos above to see how this is done).

slice up 1 leek for roasting

Finish the "preparing process" by soaking the leeks in cold water, separating out the many layers. Spoon out the leeks when finished and towel dry. DON'T POUR or strain them from the bowl.

Prepare Brussels by removing hard leaves, and cutting in to quarters or halves (depending on size).

4.  Toss Leeks, Brussels, almonds, and raisins in the olive oil.

5.  Add balsamic vinegar, salt, vinegar and dill to the mix.  Toss to coat evenly.

6.  Place in a pan and roast vegetables at 400 DegF for 20-25 minutes, until brussels are tender.  Toss mixture once while cooking.  I cooked mine for 23 minutes and could have gone maybe 8 minutes longer…but I was hungry ;-)

Roasted veggies, darker in color compared to the gluten free goddess...I'm assuming because of the balsamic vinegar that I had on hand.

7.  Finally, toss with the cooked quinoa and enjoy!

Finished product = Delish! :-)

Pain Like A Broken Record

Posted by Amy W in Dating & Relationships, life, singleness, Uncategorized and tagged with , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Do you know what today is?  I wish I didn’t know…

For nearly two months I looked forward to March 30, 2012.  It was the start of 6 days of dates and adventures with the California Kid to see what kind of chemistry was between us and to then discuss what our thoughts were regarding a relationship and what that might look like if we both wanted to move forward.  I made reservations for a sunset cruise where we could wander off for a few hours exploring the Chesapeake Bay and one of the old light houses that line the shores.  I bought bus tickets to go to New York City to explore things not yet seen by either of us.  I bought a few random things that I was going to send him as teasers leading up to our dates.  All those beautifully silly, but sweet things people do when things are new and exciting in relationships I did and was doing when reality showed up.

And now today.  I was fine today…at least until I sat in my hairdresser’s chair to get my hair cut.  Yes, I postponed my scheduled haircut for this afternoon.  I figured that would allow me to have great hair for at least 2 days…including that most important moment – the first look that we would share when we finally saw each other in person for the first time since January.  I would be standing there in the airport terminal with a huge smile, looking cute, great hair, holding one of those silly airport signs that the limo drivers always have for the people they are picking up.  We knew each other already, but I thought it would be funny to have a sign for him.

Anyways, the hairdresser was curious why I delayed my appointment so I explained the story.  Drove home afterwards and now that’s all I can seem to think about.

Part of me still wishes this was some horrible, ill-planned April Fool’s joke.

I know a lot of girls can relate to feeling this way at one time or another.  We get all disillusioned because one…or many guys seem to break our hearts.  Sometimes we look for and fall into bad relationships.  Or, like me, maybe you feel like the bad relationships seem to find you and leave you grossly disappointed.  Same pain, different story…right?  Like ground-hog day gone bad or a broken record haunting every opportunity that comes your way.  The crap keeps flying until we have so many walls and trust issues that we over-guard ourselves…inevitably leading us to run from or shut down even the good possibilities for relationships that appear before us.

It’s not meant to be this way…

It can’t be

This can’t be how the heart of a woman was meant to be handled, but it happens.

Well intentioned people (often the ones who are married with little babies) tell you that this seemingly evasive love will find you when you least expect it and especially when you’re not looking for it.  Well crap also happens when you least expect it and if you’re not careful, you’ll walk right through it if you’re not keeping an eye on where you’re walking…especially in areas frequented by horses and dogs.

So, as I should be allowed, I find myself venting.  Getting these crappy feelings out before they brew something toxic and destructive inside.  Ultimately, I’m really sad today, but not because I did anything wrong.  I am still confident in my beauty and identity as a woman.  My self-esteem is not shot.  I am simply sad because at the end of the day I want to make memories and share life with someone…and today would have marked the start of 6 days of memories made seeking adventure and possibility with someone who, if I’m honest, made me feel great for almost 2 months.  Built on lies…and like the straw house made by the piggies…it all fell down when the big bad wolf huffed and puffed and blew my way.

I am sad today…and perhaps will be on and off for a few days hereafter…but I know in the grand scheme of things, all will be okay.

How do I know?

LADIES!!!  Mark my words: A disappointing end to one possibility at love does not have to completely unravel us.  Circumstances and relationships change, but God does not change…therefore, when our Faith is placed in Him, that too can stand unchanged.  It’s okay to feel sad and it’s okay to acknowledge that things kinda suck right now.  BUT it’s not okay to let someone else take the ground out from under you…especially when everything about God’s character should point to the fact that nothing…or no one can separate us from His Love.  With Him and by that very love expressed in a multitude of God’s characteristics we can stand.  The ground may continue to rumble beneath us, but He will hold us up…Heck, He might even encourage us to move forward…step by step we can move on to whatever life or adventure awaits us next…

K…I’m done.  My Ben and Jerry’s is melting (well, the gluten free alternative is melting)…let’s stop sulking, finish our pints of chocolate goodness, and move on to the life that awaits…we only get one shot at it…and no man is so great that he should be given the power to take our joy away…especially when we remember the source of said joy and the love He wants to share with us each day, including today  :-)

Love Today

Posted by Amy W in Christianity, Dating & Relationships, life, singleness and tagged with , , , , , , , , , , , ,

“A hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life”  ~Proverbs 13:12

I have quoted this verse many times.  It was my staple verse while I was surrendering Japan and missions in Japan…committing to God that I would hold that desire open-handed.  It comes to mind often when I talk to others.  This past weekend I shared it with someone in a conversation.  This morning another friend posted it as a status update on Facebook.

This afternoon I realized how relevant it was for me to ponder once again.  A co-worker pulled me aside to share with me a comment made by another co-worker on Friday.  A few people were standing around Friday talking about me and what I found out on Thursday.   You see, my co-workers were there when I got the flowers…and the fruit.  They were also there when I found the picture that exposed all the lies for what they really were.  I was not there for the talk, but apparently one of the guys made a comment about how much his heart went out to me  remarking that he had never seen anyone respond the way that I had when I carried the gifts from him up to my desk.

I know I was excited, but was it that different?  And if so, what made it stand out from other women’s reactions to these things?

After hearing this and continuing to have Proverbs 13:12 come to mind over and over today I realized that for me, at the time of receiving them, those flowers and things, carried a possibility for me of something that I have waited for so long to have.  I was so flippin’ happy.  I never got gifts delivered to work before!  Perhaps that joy and excitement was a small glimpse of what it feels like to have that one deferred hope finally fulfilled.  If so, I can’t wait to experience that hope fulfilled for real.  When backed by the hand of God and based on a foundation that is 100% true and right…

beautiful.

I hope these co-workers get to see that day, too.  They know how long I’ve waited and continue to wait.  Maybe somehow God would shine through it…and they would not just see a woman who is really happy, but that they would see my Father and his love…and His delight that comes in fulfilling the desires of our hearts in accordance with His purposes.  yes!

All of this is great and wonderful to think about, but what about today?  I mean, my hope is a little beaten up and still very deferred.  I sat at home for the first night alone, no homework, and no guy that’s going to call me on his drive to/from work tonight to talk and tell me goodnight.  My iPhone has gotten quiet.  It’s a little weird and I can’t help but wonder, now what?

I know I’m not the only one waiting and holding something open-handed.  I know several who are waiting and trusting for financial situations to clear, for a baby to be conceived, waiting and trusting for a job, and for a child to be healed.  Just because we wait does not mean that life has to stop.  Children’s author Louise Erdrich once said:

“Here I am, where I ought to be”

Today is happening and purposeful and not something to miss.   BUT instead of dreaming and waiting for the next big thing to come our way we can rejoice that today is incredibly purposeful, in spite of our own hopes deferred.  No matter what we are waiting for, life doesn’t happen once we finally get that thing we’re waiting to see…it is happening now.  We can wait for everything our hearts desire while also actively engaging in the present and all that God has before us today.