During my lunch break today, I read an article/blog on boundless.org that talked about men, women and the idea of submission.  To kick off his blog, the writer includes a story from his Literary Criticism class in which the women began to voice their frustration that guys would open doors for them and pay for their meals.  The women, I guess, felt that these actions on part of the men around them only depressed their value and the reality that they have hands that can open their own doors and money to pay for their own meals…even to pay for the guys meals.

The article got me thinking, not so much of submission, but more of what I would call chivalry and the roles or actions that guys have historically taken toward women.  I even polled friends via. a Facebook status to see if other women were often offended when guys would do these nice things for them.  The majority of responses, from both Christians and non-Christians fell into agreement.

It seems that in this guy’s class there may have been some “feminists” in the room, many women like it when guys hold doors for them or pay for their meals.  One woman stated that there was a time in her younger years, she felt that double standards ran rampant and she wanted to feel independent.  Sure she was a woman and she too could open doors and pay for things for herself.  She concluded her remark by stating that over the last 20 years, however, she began to realize that there was more to those actions than whether or not she was capable of opening doors, there was a love and attention factor that she actually appreciated when a guy would do those things.

I have to fall into agreement with her.  I am a fairly independent woman.  I never want to hear someone tell me I can’t do it.  For a long time I would make sure I had my hand on the door handle before a guy was ever given a chance to open it for me.  Over time, and through the feedback of boyfriends and guy friends, I began to notice that these actions also never allowed them to do nice things for me.  Some guy friends and co-workers eventually influenced me to slow down as I approached a door and wait for it to be opened.  They spoke of it as a woman’s “right” to have the doors opened for her (sure, that sounds kinda weird, but I can’t think of a better way to describe it).  My ex boyfriend always opened the car door for me.  It got to the point that I would stand at the door and wait for him to open it.  He told me stories of how His dad had taught him that by watching the interactions between his dad and mom.  I watched and sure enough I began to realize that she never touched a door.  I never saw it as subtracting from her identity as a capable woman, but rather found a deep love and care come through those simple actions.

I think that somewhere along the way, we have put the idea of “independent woman” and “feminist” on a pedestal that’s so high that eventually we began to lose some of the beauty that these simple actions actually carry.

Whether or not one is a feminist in the most current of definitions does not take away from the reality that deep down she too has a desire to be loved, to feel special, and to be cared for.  I believe there is something in how God created us that drives those desires and needs.  While opening the door for a lady hardly scratches the surface of man’s ability to meet those needs, it does affect them in the most positive of ways.

I wonder if women sometimes use their feminist attitudes and independence as a means of protection.  If we are not dependent on a man, regardless of how simple that dependence may be in any given moment (such as opening a door), we are, or think we are, protecting ourselves from getting hurt.  If we don’t need anyone to do little things…we won’t get disappointed when they don’t…or when they won’t.  But if we, men and women, were in fact created with different needs and “roles” (in a deep inward sense), I am starting to think that perhaps those very attitudes and actions that we hold to protect ourselves actually lead us to missing out on very sweet gestures that can help us to feel special in ways that only men can influence.

Let me explain.  I never knew the momentary blessing and special feeling that I would experience by something as simple as opening a door until I finally let a guy do it for me.  Now, I love it.  I want it.  I always felt special when my ex would open the car door for me.  When a class mate stopped me to carry my heavy book bag down the stairs…I didn’t feel inferior, actually it felt really great!  AND it boosted my confidence in men in general, knowing that there were still some that wanted to care for and serve the women around them in very small ways like this.

I guess I am a feminist of sorts, but not the kind you might be thinking.  I am a feminist in that I recognize that there are unique roles given to me as a woman for how I approach, interact with and encourage the men around me.  In the book Recovering Biblical Manhood and Womanhood, John Piper defines biblical masculinity in this way:

“at the heart of mature masculinity is a sense of benevolent responsibility to lead, provide for, and protect women in ways appropriate to a man’s differing relationships.”

He defines biblical femininity this way:

“at the heart of mature femininity is a freeing disposition to affirm, receive, and nurture strength and leadership from worthy men in ways appropriate to a woman’s differing relationships.”

This freedom for a woman isn’t in being squelched or cramped or suppressed, but rather is experienced as she practices these little moments of encouraging the men around her (among other things).  When a guy holds a door for you, LET HIM.  And then thank him…He is practicing in one way or another the attributes of how he was created.  He’s not saying that your arms are broken…He’s probably acting in a way that seems most natural for him, even if he’s not fully cognizant of it in that very moment.  Ladies, even if it seems unnatural at first, practice, make the effort and give him the chance…you might even learn that these little gestures encourage your own sense of value, worth, and “feeling special” in those little moments.  Heck, you just might like it!