Category Archives: Uncategorized

Giving “It” Up To Get What You Want

Posted by Amy W in Uncategorized, relationships, Dating & Relationships, singleness

For years now I have held the belief that at our very core, people are relatively selfish.  We act and make decisions in order to survive, obtain and achieve the things that we want.  Sometimes these come regardless of the cost it may have in our lives, on others, or with the world around us.  Granted, my ideas here might very well stem from a realization of my own selfishness, but I’m still convinced I’m not alone in being a selfish person…I think we are all selfish, some to a greater degree than others.

As I’ve walked (or barely crawled) along a Christ centered path over the past 10 years, I have also began to notice how truths and encouraging concepts are spun in such a way that they feed or feed on our selfish tendencies.  People serve because of the growth or “feel-good-ness” they will experience in that service project.  People ask God for forgiveness so that they will ultimately go to heaven not hell (the emphasis not being on God and who He is and what He has done, but rather on us and where we will spend eternity).  And of course, as often discussed in books for singles, the ol’  “stop looking and the one will arrive” or “I gave up dating and 1 month later the one showed up”.  All of these are good ideas, truths, and principles, but their application in our lives, if we’re not careful may completely miss the point.  The result is a continued focus on our needs, fears, and longings instead of on the God who really longs for the attention and the credit as it is due.

This blog will focus on the last of those examples: “kissing dating good-bye in order to get your prince (or princess, if you’re a guy reading this) that you’d like to kiss.”  Here’s the scenario:

Earlier this week I posted something on facebook about my co-workers wanting to get and screen dates for me.  Shortly after I posted this, I got a message from a friend wanting to set me up with their friend.  They first posed the idea to me before Christmas, and I was all about it.  I’m not sure what happened, other than nothing happened, until Monday afternoon when they again asked to set up me with their friend whom I’ve never met.  Probably making things more complex than they need to be, I’m trying to figure out how or when to respond to this latest inquiry.

So, I was sharing this along with a few other ambiguous details with a few friends the other night.  After a few questions and a lot of laughs, I may have made a comment along the lines of, “I’m not in a rush for (or wanting to rush) anything, but I’m ready for something”.  The responses I got from my friends were similar to the advice I’ve read many times in dating books  (usually by people who were married by the time they were 23 or 24):

“The right one will come when you’re least expecting it”

“Take a break from guys…the one always shows up when you take a break from guys”

Soap Box #1

I will preface the rest of this post by stating the following:  These concepts in and of themselves are not bad concepts.  At the root of these suggestions we find good, even great, intentions.  For example, there are times when relationships or dating can become a thing of an idol and we need to take a break.  These breaks will often help tear down the alters that relationship and dating idols build up in our hearts (or repair the damage left by previous relationships/relations).  In these “breaks” we are often able to create space to refocus on our first love, Jesus.  Along similar lines, not expecting or  being on the hunt for a mate can help us learn how to develop and sustain healthy relationships with people of the opposite sex.  It allows you to begin to see people for who they are in Christ…not just how they would look holding your hand.

In the right situations and conversations, this advice can be incredibly encouraging and good, but we should be cognizant of how and when we drop this kind of advice on our friends.  Sometimes someone really needs to heed this kind of advice, other times, not so much.

The downside is that if we’re not careful, our flesh may turn words meant to encourage into actions that are done simply to receive the things we want.  We might be tempted to give up things, in this case dating, in order to usher in the arrival of the mate we long for.  We might stop expecting or pretend to not care about a bf/gf in order to convince God to provide us with one.  We might vocally “take a break” from guys/girls because it’s the spiritual thing to do and looks good to the people around us.  Internally, however, we secretly hope that this break culminates with the happily ever after ending we’ve been dreaming about.  Again the motives are not on godly things, but selfishly focused on the goal that we’re ultimately wanting in our lives.  This can come on part of the person receiving and applying the advice in their own lives, or may come in the motivation for suggesting such things.  It’s not always clear-cut, but we should be aware of how easily concepts meant for good can be twisted into something that becomes our means of earning or even convincing God to provide to us the things we want most.  It’s foolish and requires us the courage to be self-aware and honest with ourselves regarding our own motives and intentions for doing certain things.

Soapbox #2

In the grand scheme of things, I know that these words as spoken to me last night were meant to be encouraging.  Let’s be honest, do we always know what to say to our single friends who are approaching “flirty- one” (31)? Ha! I certainly don’t…and I’m THAT GIRL!! There are always those given responses that we throw out, but as I sit here and reflect on the night’s conversation, I can’t help but think that context and knowing the audience to which you are delivering advice and encouragement is very important (this concept spans far beyond singleness and dating by the way).

You see, I’m not the girl who goes on a lot of dates.  I’m the girl who rarely gets dates.  I chose to take “breaks” along the way and God (clearly) forced me into “no dating breaks” in order to work on and heal areas of my life that desperately needed healing.  A large portion of my Christian walk (for better or worse) has been a big, huge, break.  Some people need to start their break today…others need to step away from the “break” and start to embrace the idea of dating and being open or awkward (because there are always awkward dates…aren’t there?) in attempts to find one that fits.  Depending on where a person falls on this spectrum at any given time is probably where you want to encourage them.  Maybe I will need a break from guys again one day, I’m not sure that applies to me today.  Sorry.

Over the breaks and non-breaks, those of my choice and those of God’s, I have prayed to learn the contentment that Paul tells us he learned in Philippians 4:11-13.  I have tasted joy in waiting and boasted of peaceful contentment.  At other times, I have wrestled with deferred hopes and restless longings that I question will ever be filled (Proverbs 13:12).  Both responses appearing as if they were some kind of natural ebb and flow of life…coming and going…as if it were God’s way of keeping me on my toes :-)   The conclusion I arrive at most often is if God wants me to be single tomorrow…it’ll be okay because He’s cared for me as a single woman through today.

I do not expect anything, but I am hopeful and ready for something

…whether that be later today, next week, or 30 years from now.

(ehhh…God, please don’t make it 30 years from now)

With where I stand today, the things and words that are most encouraging to me aren’t to close off and pull away from opportunities…it’s to be more open and trust that regardless of what does or does not unfold in my life that God is still my creator, He knows me intimately, and He has purposes for my life that are good.   In addition to all the advice found in books encouraging singles to kiss dating goodbye, I can’t help but conclude that these are also viable advice options when trying to encourage single friends (especially since taking a break from guys/girls isn’t what a person always needs to do).  Consider the person you’re encouraging and the context of their situation, perhaps besides just listening to and praying with them, this is the best advice and support that you can offer them:

Be open

Be patient

Remain hopeful beyond circumstance

Always trust God to be who He says He is, regardless of what transpires as we live out the 3 previous items.

Simple, but incredibly complex and not always the easiest to do well when we’re dealing with life.  Again, these probably apply to circumstances that span far beyond dating…this is just the material I had to work with today :-)

Pain Like A Broken Record

Posted by Amy W in Dating & Relationships, life, singleness, Uncategorized and tagged with , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Do you know what today is?  I wish I didn’t know…

For nearly two months I looked forward to March 30, 2012.  It was the start of 6 days of dates and adventures with the California Kid to see what kind of chemistry was between us and to then discuss what our thoughts were regarding a relationship and what that might look like if we both wanted to move forward.  I made reservations for a sunset cruise where we could wander off for a few hours exploring the Chesapeake Bay and one of the old light houses that line the shores.  I bought bus tickets to go to New York City to explore things not yet seen by either of us.  I bought a few random things that I was going to send him as teasers leading up to our dates.  All those beautifully silly, but sweet things people do when things are new and exciting in relationships I did and was doing when reality showed up.

And now today.  I was fine today…at least until I sat in my hairdresser’s chair to get my hair cut.  Yes, I postponed my scheduled haircut for this afternoon.  I figured that would allow me to have great hair for at least 2 days…including that most important moment – the first look that we would share when we finally saw each other in person for the first time since January.  I would be standing there in the airport terminal with a huge smile, looking cute, great hair, holding one of those silly airport signs that the limo drivers always have for the people they are picking up.  We knew each other already, but I thought it would be funny to have a sign for him.

Anyways, the hairdresser was curious why I delayed my appointment so I explained the story.  Drove home afterwards and now that’s all I can seem to think about.

Part of me still wishes this was some horrible, ill-planned April Fool’s joke.

I know a lot of girls can relate to feeling this way at one time or another.  We get all disillusioned because one…or many guys seem to break our hearts.  Sometimes we look for and fall into bad relationships.  Or, like me, maybe you feel like the bad relationships seem to find you and leave you grossly disappointed.  Same pain, different story…right?  Like ground-hog day gone bad or a broken record haunting every opportunity that comes your way.  The crap keeps flying until we have so many walls and trust issues that we over-guard ourselves…inevitably leading us to run from or shut down even the good possibilities for relationships that appear before us.

It’s not meant to be this way…

It can’t be

This can’t be how the heart of a woman was meant to be handled, but it happens.

Well intentioned people (often the ones who are married with little babies) tell you that this seemingly evasive love will find you when you least expect it and especially when you’re not looking for it.  Well crap also happens when you least expect it and if you’re not careful, you’ll walk right through it if you’re not keeping an eye on where you’re walking…especially in areas frequented by horses and dogs.

So, as I should be allowed, I find myself venting.  Getting these crappy feelings out before they brew something toxic and destructive inside.  Ultimately, I’m really sad today, but not because I did anything wrong.  I am still confident in my beauty and identity as a woman.  My self-esteem is not shot.  I am simply sad because at the end of the day I want to make memories and share life with someone…and today would have marked the start of 6 days of memories made seeking adventure and possibility with someone who, if I’m honest, made me feel great for almost 2 months.  Built on lies…and like the straw house made by the piggies…it all fell down when the big bad wolf huffed and puffed and blew my way.

I am sad today…and perhaps will be on and off for a few days hereafter…but I know in the grand scheme of things, all will be okay.

How do I know?

LADIES!!!  Mark my words: A disappointing end to one possibility at love does not have to completely unravel us.  Circumstances and relationships change, but God does not change…therefore, when our Faith is placed in Him, that too can stand unchanged.  It’s okay to feel sad and it’s okay to acknowledge that things kinda suck right now.  BUT it’s not okay to let someone else take the ground out from under you…especially when everything about God’s character should point to the fact that nothing…or no one can separate us from His Love.  With Him and by that very love expressed in a multitude of God’s characteristics we can stand.  The ground may continue to rumble beneath us, but He will hold us up…Heck, He might even encourage us to move forward…step by step we can move on to whatever life or adventure awaits us next…

K…I’m done.  My Ben and Jerry’s is melting (well, the gluten free alternative is melting)…let’s stop sulking, finish our pints of chocolate goodness, and move on to the life that awaits…we only get one shot at it…and no man is so great that he should be given the power to take our joy away…especially when we remember the source of said joy and the love He wants to share with us each day, including today  :-)

Reflecting On God’s Faithfulness

Posted by Amy W in Christianity, Devotional, Jesus, Scripture, Uncategorized and tagged with , , , , ,

There are times when I think I struggle with believing God.  I mean, I believe in Him, but sometimes it’s hard to believe Him for His promises…and to believe Him to fulfill the desires that are so actively resting within me.

At work today I had two different conversations that led to people asking about my life, my family…where I’ve come from.  I also had someone ask specifically how I went from being an atheist to a Christian.  These types of things don’t often come up, at least not at work.  As an educated and articulate woman, the outward appearance of my life doesn’t often reflect what I’ve come from.  Most would never know until they ask these deeper, more personal questions.  Sure, people know that I’m a Christian, but usually that’s because they know I do crazy things like spend my vacations serving in places like Haiti.  Or they know because of our debates on whether or not my conviction to only date Christian men is a “right” conviction or “too high of a standard”.  It’s rare in that environment that I’m able to provide context around why I feel so strongly that the life I live today is purely by the Grace of God.  The fact that I’m alive today and have the opportunities that I have is a direct reflection of God’s sovereignty, power and ability to change lives.  Today was a little different.  It was hard, because I never know what they’re thinking when I share my reality with them, but it was also pretty cool to live through the opportunity of sharing more with them.

Then, this evening I walked down to the docks to sit and chat with a friend.  While I was there another guy that I know just because he’s a local came over and sat with us.  This is a guy that I prayed for feverently for the first year or two that I lived in this neighborhood.  He’s a nice guy that I’d had random conversations with…about life and God and beliefs and what not.  The last time I saw him was about 2 months ago.  He walked by, and coldly ignored me when I said hi to him.  He had lost over 50 lbs.  From the looks of him, I knew he was shooting heroine.  I was sad that he ignored me, but sadder still at the realization of how much trouble he was in…drowning in his addiction.  Today he looked better.  He shared with us the fact that he’d been clean for 2 weeks.  My suspicions were correct from the last time I saw him, but he’s now going to meetings a few times a day, every day.  He’s still unsure of what higher being is over this world, but He is earnestly trying to get clean and stay that way.  Eventually,  our conversation led to how faithful God is and how much of a blessing life is…especially when we’re giving second chances…the second chance that he’s now starting to live in.  He recognizes the gift of life that he’s been given, and though he remains unsure of Jesus and the Lord,  I was so glad to talk to him and to celebrate his two weeks of sobriety.

Tonight as I was reading the Word and meditating on the day’s events, I was brought back to the idea of God’s faithfulness.  God is able to do so much in our lives…and with our lives…no matter the pit that we start from or find ourselves in.  God has literally built my life from ashes…despair, anger and regret.  I can see the power he has exhibited in my life and so many lives of the brothers and sisters I meet.  Conviction sneaks in as I realize the steadfastness of his love and my lingering doubt of what God can and will do in this life.  Sometimes it’s difficult to believe God for what he is currently doing, when we can’t see the finished product before our eyes.  yet we must!  Hebrews 11 states it this way:

“Faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen” 

After reading this tonight my ADHD eyes shot up a few lines prior to Hebrews 10 where I read this:

“Therefore brothers, since we have confidence to enter the holy places by the blood of Jesus…and since we have a great priest over the house of God, let us draw near with a true heart in full assurance of faith with our hearts sprinkled clean from an evil conscience and our bodies washed with pure water.  Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering for he who is promised is faithful.  And let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works not neglecting to meet together as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another and all the more as you see the Day drawing near.” (vs. 19-25)

We have a God who is so faithful, loving, and forgiving.  He has been at work in our lives and continues to move in accordance with his pleasure and will.  He desires to bless those who continually seek him earnestly (Heb. 11:6).  It may be difficult to believe him when the resolve seems no where in sight, but as the one who stands unchanged…His past faithfulness in our lives serves as an indicator that He who began a good work in us will continue it to its full completion (Phil 1:6).  When unbelief sets in, how rewarding it is to remember and praise him for the Work we have already seen him complete…may that stir us on to believe for those things not yet seen in their completed form…as Hebrews 11:1 states…THIS is faith.

“for the mountains may depart and the hills be removed, but my steadfast love shall not depart from you and my covenant of peace shall not be removed says the Lord, who has compassion on you.” (Isaiah 54:10).  

Church Minority = The Single Upper 20-Something

Posted by Amy W in Church Planting, Dating & Relationships, life, Life Lessons From Church Planting, singleness, Uncategorized and tagged with , , , , , , ,

Naturally, for most, there pre-exists a desire to be in a romantic relationship.  Based on my own personal experiences as well as hours and hours of conversations with women over the last decade, I would add that the self-imposed pressures to be in relationships (and even more so married) are especially strong for women.  We want to know that we’re loved and cared for and “special” to someone…anyone.  We drive ourselves crazy if we’re single too long, or as one once-roommate put it, “our lips get a little too dusty”. Over the time we spend single we actually sway back and forth from the desires running rampant in our hearts to some ”odd” sense of contentment in our single status, perhaps even thinking we just might be called to singleness (and thinking that would be okay).  Eventually we sway back to the desire-overload experience, we start worrying, looking, chasing…and perhaps even arguing, begging with or bribing God to give us the humanly love we know we need and deserve today.  This vicious cycle is our heart’s secret reality.

And this is just the inward tension that exists for singles

As singles learn to deal with their own inward madness they are also watching everyone around them getting hitched.  You know those “hitched” friends… the ones who continually tell their single friends “as soon as they became content in their own singleness” or as soon as they “had given up looking for or thinking there was someone out there for them” God brought their spouse.   And so the outward social pressure begins to take effect.  The hitched friends, grow in number, eventually to the point where the number of single people are very small in comparison, leaving the single with a heightened awareness of their relationship status.

THEN, the marrieds outnumber the singles so much that as soon as they see Single Person A (SPA) and Single Person B (SPB), and without knowing anything at any depth of either two single people, they suddenly make a huge deal over the fact that SPA and SPB are both single and therefore should obviously be interested in each other and get married next week.

The married’s swarm around SPA and/or SPB and begin to talk up the other SP, putting ideas into their heads about how great the other is, and how cute they look together…meanwhile SPA and SPB may not have even said one word to each other.  And when probed even further, SPA or SPB draws out the reality that  the marrieds are just really excited at the idea that 2 singles would become a married…they don’t actually know SPA, SPB or maybe they don’t really know either of them!!

First let me say that I write out this rant smiling completely.  I know that people love- love.  People (especially those who have already found their ”one”) love to see others fall in love and get married.  They also feel for the tension and loneliness that singles feel and want to see them happy with the mate that the SP longs for. Played out, this looks like a lot of talk and “encouragement” for things to happen without really knowing the unique qualities and traits/character of the two single people – you know…those very things that often can make or break relationships in the long run.

But there are a few things that I think SP must be mindful of in the midst of this kind of external pressure:

In our lives, we are called to serve and bring glory to God. I believe that part of how we are used in this capacity is divinely authored by the Lord we serve.  It can be administered during our single years, by remaining single, or by getting married.  Whatever way, the administrator of this is God and the timing of transitions between those life phases belongs to him as well.

Marriage is not the pinnacle of Christian Experience here on earth. There is much that one will learn in relationship with others, so, if it is an interest or desire in our hearts, certainly we should not close ourselves off from building friendships and being open to opportunities and people who are in our midst.  But being married isn’t the end all be all to life.  While most will get married in their lifetime, many are also called to live a single life, which Paul also talks about  in 1 Corinthians 7.  Churches should support singles, encouraging them to move forward in life (enabling and equipping them to prepare for relationship and marriage), but should not do so at the detriment of their ability to embrace where God has them today.  I bring up this idea because I think we are often off balance…clinging to one of the two extremes when talking to singles.    Singleness is good, marriage is good…bring more balance in how this is preached to singles…and perhaps they too will begin to secure balance as they work with God on this particular area of their life.

Outward Pressure pushing friends into relationship is not always healthy. I think that, sure, sometimes people need a little encouragement to make themselves available and prepare themselves to have relationships, but I don’t think it’s healthy for people other than the two entering into a relationship to prayerfully decide that the relationship is a “good idea”.  Not all singles were meant for each other and not all “christian” relationships are good relationships.  The pressure I joked about above will often make the situations and interactions between said single people rather fuzzy.  Because of the peer pressure, they may overlook clear incompatibilities, they may rush into a relationship that either isn’t ordained or isn’t the right timing.  This external pressure can also perpetuate the lie that many singles often inwardly (and secretly) believe that something is wrong with them because they’re still single (or that if another of the opposite sex is still single, there must be something wrong with them).  Their response is to often act immediately (thinking all opportunities are the best or right opportunities) so that they can fix their singleness problem.  Singles make enough poor decisions around relationships (jumping into, running from) due to their own internal pressures that they feel…they really don’t need the outward pressures from friends and family members who love – love and are having a hard time that SPA or SPB is still single at their ripe old age of 27!!

I think relationships are both beautiful, difficult and serious, especially if you view them with an intentionality toward marriage.  Being single is difficult enough as it is in the Christian community.  And the difficulty only increases with age.  There are ways to encourage singles in your midst in a very healthy way…get to know them, be open and honest in accountability-type relationships with them…even if they’re not married (it will teach them a lot, and some singles are actually wise), encourage them and pray with them if they do meet someone they like and are intentionally getting to know…but please, please don’t start playing CUPID…encouraging situations and relationships just for the sake of changing their relationship status.  The latter just isn’t fair…no matter how deeply that person longs for their spouse.

Are Women Moochers?

Posted by Amy W in Dating & Relationships, life, relationships, singleness, Uncategorized and tagged with , , , , , ,

Imagine this:

1.  A Boyfriend and girlfriend go to taco bell.  They drive up to order and the girl mentions to the guy that she might want one or two of his nachos.  He refuses to share and instead buys her a whole order of nachos.  She’s now forced to eat all the nachos when all she really wanted was one.  or three. 

2.  A husband and wife sit down at a restaurant.  He orders onion rings.  She reaches for one, he slowly inches the basket away from her and orders her another order of onion rings.

3.  A son makes a sandwich.  His mom, who carried him for 9 long months, isn’t hungry enough for her own whole sandwich, but rather just wants to try one bite of what he made…she takes a bite.  (1 Point for the Mom).  9 long months…the least he can do is offer one bite of a sandwich.  Right?

Now I have to ask, are these women moochers?  All they want is a bite of the food…or two or three chips.  Clearly they aren’t moochers, they are connecting, encouraging wise spending, and providing opportunities for those men to be more like Jesus.  Let me explain.

1.  CONNECTORS – I work in a male dominated industry.  One thing that I’ve learned is that the way to a man’s heart, mind, attention, and sometimes even respect, is through his stomach.  I’m not sure why this is, but food, for men…is a big deal.  Women on the other hand, long to feel connections.  We will spend hours talking and spending time with our girlfriends as a means of connecting.  Sometimes it’s difficult for women to feel connected to men.  They don’t always share their emotions and they don’t always want to talk about important things like The Bachelorette or shoes or PMS.  What better way for a woman to feel connected to her man than for him to share a little bit of his food?  If food is a way to a man’s heart then if he shares it with you, without argument or forcing you to eat an entire order on your own, is a clear and distinct indication of your priority in his life.  And at the end of the day, love should transcend the 5 french fries that us women take off the guys plate.  Men, when we ask for a bite…we’re not mooching, we’re providing opportunities to connect with you.   

2.  ENCOURAGERS OF WISE SPENDING – While some may say two is better than one, I would say it’s also more expensive.  Sharing a few onion rings with the lady next to you is ultimately far less expensive (and not just monetarily).  Aside from saving money, sharing is also less wasteful than getting a second order and having her leave all but the 5 or 6 bites that she ultimately takes from this entirely separate order that the guy has now forced her to tackle.  furthermore, there are starving children in the world…and we’ve just wasted an entire blooming onion because the guy couldn’t share those 7 or so bites with his lady friend.  By sharing you eat less (maybe I should have included obesity in this list), you save money, and you are not wasteful.  I think it makes perfect sense…and the man is not going to go hungry by sharing.  Clearly this isn’t mooching…it’s helping, as women are called to do for their men.  We “help” them save money and finish all the onion rings in the basket.

3.  WHAT WOULD JESUS DO - The final consideration is that by sharing with the women, men are able to walk as Jesus did.  The bible says that, specifically within the context of marriage, men should love their wives as Christ loved the church.  And how did Christ love the hungry church?  He didn’t send them off, he didn’t tell them to go find their own fish.  NO!  He provided and shared what He had with them.  And guess what happened?  Everyone ate and was content…no one went hungry.  When a woman is simply asking for a bite or two, it’s a perfect opportunity for the men to respond as Jesus did.   

A disclaimer for those “un-married men” who might be reading.  Just because you’re not married doesn’t mean that you can’t begin to act out this kind of service when it comes to all the yummy food that you have.  The best predictor for future behavior is present and past behaviors.  Certainly there are examples, but start practicing today for the wife that God brings your way.  When your mom or sister or girlfriend goes in for that 7th or 8th onion ring…don’t slap her hands.  Don’t force her to order her own…you can practice being like Jesus and sharing with her…it will be a beautiful act of love, it will ultimately save you money and you will connect in new ways and trust me, you will not go hungry.  

I think that in ultimately women are not moochers.  We nurture and encourage the growth of our men and our relationships.  When we say we only want a bite…that’s really all it is.  We ask for one onion ring or french fry… we never really take more than 9 or 10.  Guys…love the women in your lives.  They are not moochers.  They are wise, conscious, and usually just a little hungry, but never enough to get their own of anything.  Please just share, after all those same women are notorious for bringing home tons of leftovers (we never finish our food anyway) and you will almost always have first dibs.  Just sayin’.

Note:  This is ”tounge-in-cheek” response to Bill Petruzzo’s rant on women being the ultimate moochers.  It can be read here.