I’m 30…Get Over It!

Posted by Amy W in singleness and tagged with , , , , , ,

Let me be a little transparent here…

Turning 30 this year has been interesting (and I’m not even a month into my 30′s!).  I’m in a church where most of the women my age are married or very close to it, and many have kids.  Actually, I’m not sure that I know any other women who are also single and my age that go there.  Not always, but sometimes it can be hard (especially in the middle of wedding season).  Most of my single friends are younger than me…and the single guys I know are also younger than me.  I’m okay with that.  Age for me hasn’t been much of an issue…and when dating, age was never been on my mind, regardless of who was older.  This year, and perhaps somewhat because of the people I find myself surrounded by coupled with my history of dating as a christian (which is hardly anything to brag about) I’ve found myself fighting the insecurity that now that I’m 30, no one will want to date me.

This insecurity was completely unfounded and silly…I know this.  (but I’m a girl…and as men can attest to…we often have silly and unfounded insecurities that we have to battle…on an almost daily basis)

So yes, unfounded

…until recently.

I have a sweet friend who decided that she wanted to set me up on a blind date.  I’ve never done anything like that before, and after her description of the guy she had in mind, I thought why not?

Single?  Check

Loves the Lord?  Check

Missions/Ministry Minded?  Check

Height?  eh…not really what I find myself *most* attracted to, but I can “check” the more superficial physical attributes to give the fella a chance

My friend starts talking to him. And they’re texting.  His quick responses made both of us think he was open to the idea.  So they’re texting back and forth.  Then he asks, “how old is she?”  Without thinking my friend responds, “she’s 30″.  His response?

:-/

The emoticon that means, not great, undecided, iffy, ehhh, hmmm, etc

Now, I can understand this if he was in his early 20′s.  The younger you are the tighter the band typically is around the age of the people you will consider dating.

Naturally, I did what any young millennial would do and I Facebook stalked him to see how old he actually was.  How old is he?  he’ll be 28 this year.  2 years!!  2 years and he thinks  :-/  about a 30 year old woman who he has yet to meet and only knows that she “loves the Lord”.  COME ON!!!  I know can’t hate on him too badly and I don’t know him AT ALL so there is minimal emotional disappointment tied to this experience.  but still…I’m a little taken back.

Looks like I’m still dateless, which is okay…I guess.   In less than a month of my birthday I now have my first official rejection “because I’m 30″.  Now I’m just sitting here trying to laugh at my visualization of the emoticon expression that he sent in response to my age…and trying not to let this experience grow that silly little insecurity that Christian men who “love the Lord” will never be interested because…”now I’m 30″.

*Sigh*

In the end, I told my friend that I wasn’t interested anymore.  If we met for coffee or whatever it is that people do on blind dates, I would sit there the whole time looking at him with that silly little emoticon hovering over his head mocking me.  The right guy is out there…and to him…age, my education, my quirks, and my 6 gray hairs…none of that will matter.  He will see the woman God has created me to be and the Love I have for the Lord…and that will be more than enough :-)

Another Reflection From Haiti

Posted by Amy W in Christianity, Jesus, life, Missions and tagged with , , , ,

It’s taken me some time to figure out what I wanted to close with on this site (this post was originally posted a few weeks ago on the team blog…so it’s a bit dated).

Short term missions have a lot of value – not only for the staff and organizations that are served, but also for the individuals who are going.  Sure, that seems selfish, but it’s a reality that can not be ignored…after all, if you are truly going with a “learner’s heart”, how can you expect to not receive something about God and His Global Kingdom when you go?

I hope and sense that our efforts to serve Child Hope were valuable.  The house we provided, the things we built and organized, the care we provided with the kids – all of those efforts were to serve the staff working there for long-term and the community and kids they are caring for.

On a personal level, I came back from Haiti with some conviction that I had to take to the Lord.  I’m used to being the odd person out.  I usually know how people are going to respond when they start asking questions about my parents or life growing up.  I know my story is a little awkward or sad for people to hear, but I’m okay with that.  For the first time in my life, and by going to an orphanage, I found myself surrounded by kids who have stories that carry more similarities than I’m used to finding in the people I typically encounter.  I didn’t really feel like the odd person out because I knew they too experienced loss and had to grow up far too early.  In some cases I felt like I was staring into a mirror – seeing in others tendencies others have brought to my attention (that I couldn’t really see in myself).  In other cases, I felt like being there with those kids was God’s way of showing me there was something beyond the mirror into which I was staring.

let me explain…

I don’t for one instance claim to know or understand the full experience of life that these kids have, but in some ways I relate. I know what its like to be abandoned and unwanted by one parent, only to watch the other die at a young age.  I struggled to make sense of justice and love in the midst of some really bad experiences.  This is the mirror that I’m speaking of.  It is different from the lives of these kids, but perhaps more relatable and similar than any other community of people that I’ve ever met.

What I noticed and rejoiced with the Child Hope kids is that regardless of their circumstances, they loved to praise and worship God.  I saw pure joy exuding from them at times…simple excitement, thanksgiving, and praise to the Lord.  And this is where God started showing me what was beyond that mirror.  I think it is best described as “joy”.

Coming home, I was very convicted at my own lack of thankfulness toward God and was led to repentance. Beyond the circumstances that have defined our past or are shaping our current reality, there is God and through His Holy Spirit, joy is possible.  There are opportunities to be thankful and to worship God that are not circumstantial.  In Philippians 4:8 Paul exhorts us to focus on what is good and worthy of praise.  I speculate that we are more prone to look at the trials and difficulties we face than we are to the good things, especially when things aren’t necessarily “good”.  It takes effort to look beyond those harder realities into the character of God and worship Him.  God challenged me to do that during our week in Haiti using kids who exuded joy.  He left no room for the exemptions that I usually conjure up when I see joy alive in the lives of others.  I couldn’t find a single “yeah, but…” as I tried to understand what was before my eyes.  They have experienced the harder realities of life, but they had something different…something I wanted.

In a place where I expected to see pain and sorrow much more manifest I found Joy…and through that experience God is challenging me to be more thankful toward Him and through Grace, He is ultimately leading me to experience more joy.

I will never forget this opportunity, and I am so thankful to those who helped to make it possible.  Every time I share, I tell a different story and realize a different way that I saw God move.  The staff of Child Hope do a wonderful job at loving these kids and pointing them to Christ…Maison de lumiere is truly a house of light in this nation.

now stop reading and go PRAISE God for them and PRAY for the work they continue to do there :-)

Orphan Care and Short-Term Missions – Friend or Foe?

Posted by Amy W in Missions and tagged with , , , , , , ,

So this is another little note/reflection about my recent trip to Haiti.

As my supporters know, my heart and prayers leading up to the trip were for the girls in the orphanage.  I was hoping and praying that God would show up, someway, somehow with the older girls that I would meet.

So I get there and the first day, we go to a park where all the kids are playing.  I see a group of girls gathered together.  Having prayed for them for weeks prior, I thought it was a perfect opportunity to break the ice.  I walked up and tried to have a conversation with them.   Let me tell you, these girls were tough.  They didn’t really seem like they wanted to talk to me, or the other women from my team who followed me over a few minutes later.  I’m not gonna lie…it was a little awkward.

Eventually, games started up and we all went on our merry little way…

That night as I journaled and prayed, I asked God, “what happened?”  I mean, I had been praying for these girls…and I got walls and distance from them.  Perhaps in their minds, we were just like most other people who would come in for a short time and leave.  Their apparent distance made sense, but it didn’t help my feelings of “defeat”, so to speak.

Over the next several days there was one girl, Oline, who continued to come across my path.  She was younger, and so would have been off my radar (according to “my plans)  if it hadn’t been for the fact that she approached me to say hello and she spoke English fairly well.  Also, she had distinctive barrettes in her hair, so every time after that first encounter I would not only remember her name, but also her face.  Whenever I saw her I made a point to talk to her…often teasing and joking with her about climbing trees and eating the fruits from the trees.

Thursday was a holiday so we hung out with the girls at the girls’ home.  Oline, came over and sat with me holding a picture book that some other team had made for the kids.  She showed me the pictures and told me about the kids and people in the book.  When she closed the book, she saw something written and began to read it to me.

The passage was Isaiah 61.  She stumbled on a few words and asked me how to pronounce them.  After a line or two…and at each line or two she would stop and ask me what it meant.  Isaiah 61 is about Jesus, so I was able to talk to her a little about that and tell her about Jesus and what he wanted to do with the people who believed in Him.  Later that afternoon we took the kids to a nearby park.  Wearing the proper shoes, I decided that I would climb the trees with her.  While climbing our 2nd tree she started to ask me about my family back home.  I shared with her that my dad left my mom before I was born and that my mom had gotten really sick and died when I was 14.  She also asked about my brothers and sisters…I told her I had none.  Since she asked me the question, I thought it was okay at that time to ask her the same questions.  She told me that her mom had gotten sick and died also…I’m guessing that’s part of the story behind her being at the orphanage.  By this point other kids were climbing up the tree and wanting to talk to us so I let that conversation come to a close, without going any further.

Later that afternoon, we had all gone over to the swings and were swinging and talking.  At one point she asked if I would be at summer camp that summer.  I told her no and that I had to go home  in a few days.  She looked down at the ground and ran off.

I had other encounters with her and she hung out with me listening to music for a while the next day…our last full day there, but I’ll never forget her response to that last question.  And this is what has me perplexed now.

I think about the responses of many of the older girls and Oline’s seeming disappointment when I told her I had to go home in a few days.  I can’t help but wonder where the value lies in short-term mission teams working with Orphans.  Granted, our team did much to help the ministry in very tangible ways, but with the kids themselves, do short-term teams just perpetuate the reality that many of them have learned throughout their lives – that people will come and go?  Will short-term teams just encourage their self-preservation and defense mechanisms, making it more difficult for them to trust and learn about authentic community?  I see the relationships that the long-term workers have with the kids and it’s really good…and I think the Lord uses that greatly in the lives of these kids and I know the Lord is sovereign and wanted us there (without a doubt), but I still struggle with the impacts of these short-term mission teams working at orphanages.

I have a good friend who works with World Orphans.  Him and his wife are preparing to go to Thailand in 2012 to do similar work, only for long-term.  I can’t wait to work through these thoughts and ideas with them.  Maybe it’s just my own inner turmoil because of how God has wired me to serve His People and how I typically approach lay ministry and missions in general…or perhaps there is something to this that is valid.  Right now I’m not sure.  I am so thankful for those conversations I had with Oline.  And I’m thankful for the encounters I had with all the girls – The LORD opened my eyes to things that I’m not going to share in this post.  All of it was good, even though I had to take myself and my hopes/plans/expectations/agenda out of the picture in order to see it.

This is the part (or story) of my trip that kills me in a ministry sense, knowing and having a passion for growth and Godly transformation that must occur over a longer time, but only being present for a week in the lives of these kids.  This is a take-away and “struggle” that I wasn’t expecting, but continue to process through now that I’ve had this experience.

Remembering My 20′s

Posted by Amy W in Jesus, life and tagged with , , , , , , , ,

“And whatever you do, in word or deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.” (Col. 3:17)

While in Haiti, and on reflecting after the trip, I have been challenged to bring more thanksgiving into my life.  I have a tendency to be a bit of a Negative Nancy, focusing of the bad…or expecting the bad, because sometimes I guess I think that’s all I’ll get…bad things.  As I enter into a new decade of my life (the 30′s), I feel that its only right for me to reflect on my 20′s praising God for the work he’s done in the past 10 years.  I was originally going to post this as a “high-low” of each year, but in light of the verse above, I’m going to focus on the “highs” – and for all of these items, the Glory goes to God.

20 years old (2001) – On September 2, 2001 God revealed to me the Truth of what His Son Jesus did for me, I came to Him and He gave me a new life (2 Cor 5:17) – and started this journey with Him, which has been absolutely amazing.  Hard at times, but always beautiful and for His Glory.

21 years old (2002) – 1st Missions Trip to Japan.  God opened my eyes and heart for His people…all His people, to the ends of the earth.  During this time he specifically broke my heart for the unreached in Japan. 

22 years old (2003) – Graduated College – By the grace of God I not only was able to go to college, but also graduated…and I had 2 job offers!!   I attended my 1st Urbana Conference.

23 years old (2004) – God opened my eyes to the idolatry that had consumed my life and connected me with a solid, missions minded church that would become a major influence on my development as a woman of God. 

24 years old (2005 ) – Mission Trips to Poland and Japan – It was during this time that God solidified my missionary heart and confirmed it through several people, without me even asking. 

25 years old (2006) – Accepted by an organization to do Church Planting in Japan.  Started a Missionary in training program with an awesome pastor at my church.  God “forced” me to go into counseling to deal with stuff that I had been avoiding my entire life – the result completely changed my understanding of who I was and the value I have as a Child of God.  I attended my 2nd Urbana Conference. 

26 years old (2007) – Went to Ghana in 2007.  Gave my first full message on the freedom we can find in Christ and prayed with many girls who wanted to know the freedom that God’s truth brings.  Became a Youth Leader and finished out the senior year of several amazing students that had been on the Ghana trip.  Finally believed that God’s love for me was unconditional.

27 years old (2008) – Spoke on the value of mentoring (Titus 2) at a woman’s seminar and helped to plan a women’s training event under the leadership of some awesome women at my church.  Applied to and was accepted to be part of a core team for a church plant that my church was sending out.  

28 years old (2009) – Started a church plant with a group of 28 others from my church.  Started my MBA program. Shared the gospel with a random man in my town with two of my friends.  Went to El Salvador to celebrate a friend’s wedding (she’s a missionary there). 

29 years old (2010) – Met regularly with a few girls to read God on Mute.  Started a prayer gathering with some awesome friends.  The group has changed from its beginnings, but we continue to meet to pray for friends, the world, and the churches working in our area.  God brought me to a new church and started to bring about some unexpected changes in my life. 

29 years old (2011) –  Went to Haiti on a Missions Trip and was reminded that my heart for the nations is still very much alive, even though He uses it in ways I didn’t expect when I planned my life several years ago (ha!).  God called me to start a prayer ministry at my church and He has brought together a group that I absolutely LOVE to pray with on a weekly basis.  Had several girls talk to me about doing a girls study or group for several of the women at my church.  We’re now going through Believing God this summer and I’m very excited for how we’ll all grow in our Faith. 

If someone told me this would be the life I would live in my 20′s, I would have laughed in their face.  Actually, someone did.  I was still an atheist at the time and I literally laughed in their face.  Praise God for lives that are radically changed through His Son’s sacrifice!!!  Walking with Him hasn’t always been easy, but looking back I can see clearly that God has been at work and I am so blessed to take a small part in what he’s been doing over the past 10 years.

I have no idea what my 30′s will bring.  He’s done crazy things with the last 10 years…I’m sure the next 10 will be just as Glorifying to His name.  I know many constants in my life are changing over the next year.  I will go to China in a little over a month.  When I return, I have 6 months left of my MBA.  Lord willing I will graduate in Feb 2012.  My company will complete its merger and the plant I work at will be sold.  This is where the unknown kicks in…there is so much that is not seen, but the possibilities of what God can do are endless…I just hope that He continues to allow me to be part of what He’s doing here on earth.  For now, He reveals just enough for me to take that next step.

“By faith, Abraham obeyed when he was called out to a place…he went out not knowing where he was going.” (Heb. 11:8)

They Have Names…Just Like Us

Posted by Amy W in Christianity, Jesus, life, Missions and tagged with , , , , , ,

This is one of what may be several posts on my recent trip to Haiti.  I was impacted and challenged in ways far beyond what I expected, and continually find myself drawn back to what I experienced…seeking God’s purpose in it all…this is one story about one kid I met while I was there.

Earlier this year I was taking an International Business Class.  Our big project for this class was to study and present on a hot topic in the realm of international business.  One of my teammates suggested that we use “human trafficking” as our topic of study.  As a christian I know such injustices exist and immediately jumped on the idea.  I only really thought of sex trafficking, as that seems to be the most widely thought of when it comes to modern-day slavery.  To research the project I dug through the CNN Freedom Project website and read Disposable People – New Slavery in the Global Economy by Kevin Bales, and referenced Sex Trafficking – Inside the business of Modern Slavery by Siddharth Kara.  I also read Good News About Injustice by Gary Haugen.  It was also during this time that I had been praying about and finally decided to go on the mission trip to Haiti.

It is estimated that about  27 Million slaves exist today, most of which are women and children.  I was surprised to find out that Haiti had its own form of slavery; they are called restavecs.

Fast forward to June 23.  I was climbing trees with one of the girls in the orphanage (I’ll share about her in another post).  We started in one tree…got yelled at because we seemed to attract older kids to a park that was meant for younger kids.  We relocated to a second tree, just as climbable, but closer to the “big kid” playground.  After 5 minutes or so in this tree…several other kids followed up after us.  Seriously, these kids are like monkeys!  They definitely put my tree climbing abilities to shame.  I’ll blame it on my age :-)

Most of the other kids climbed up, but quickly jumped back down.  One kid, however, lingered in the trees with us.  He didn’t speak English, and the only word I could understand from him was belle, which means pretty.  Ti-Junior, was everywhere all week.  If we were with the orphanage kids (as was the case that day) he was there.  If we were at the feeding program (meant for the neighborhood kids) he was there.  If we were traveling through the neighborhood…he was there.  All week this kid (along with a few others) would show up.  I never knew who he was…local, orphanage kid, or what.

In the tree that day, however, I started to see a different side of him.  He braided my hair, and pretty much kept his hand on my arm.  It wasn’t weird or creepy at all…just childlike affection.  When I got out of the tree to sit on the swings, he followed…holding my hand and wanting to push me or be pushed on the swings.

After a few minutes, the “house mom” for the boys home came over.  She’s american, so I was able to ask her what Ti-Junior’s story was.  The other kids that were in the trees came over and were able to translate so that we could understand more of his story.

Basically this kid was a restavec who was able to run away and become free again.  His parents died, we think, in the earthquake that hit Haiti in 2010.  Apparently, he was found by a man who lets him sleep in a school each night, having to leave in the mornings before students arrive.  He’s 11 years old and has no one, and the fact that the man allows him to not sleep on the streets is a blessing.  Right now Child Hope doesn’t have room to bring him in, but according to the house mom, they have their eyes on him for when space opens up for more kids.

As the house mom shared with me his story, everything started to make sense.  I have no idea when the last time was that this little boy felt the hug of a mother or was ever told that he was loved…or even felt love.   I couldn’t help but wonder what goes on in his mind over the hand he’s been dealt in this life.  My heart broke.  It still breaks.  I can only hope that he felt the love of Christ as we played in the trees and on the swings…That he feels loved by the staff that remains in Haiti and by the other blancs (white people/americans) that come on short-term trips.

When I got back to the guest house that night it was time for dinner, but immediately afterward I ran up and sat on the roof.  I needed to be away from others so that I could just breathe and process the hurt I felt for this kid.  I must have cried for a total of 3 hours that night…praying, talking to God and sharing his story with my teammates.

I had studied the crazy reality of modern slavery, I presented on it…wrote about it.  I knew going there, that the issue was real.  I knew some of the kids in the orphanage were ex-restavecs.  But none of that fully prepared me for the moment that one of those kids went from being a statistic to being a real kid…a kid with a name, holding my arm, smiling back as I smiled at him.  In that moment I realized that each person that makes up that statistic has a name.  They are real.  They are like all other kids, wanting/needing affection and attention.  They want to know that they are loved and special.  Even as I type this, I’m not sure that I can do justice to the emotion welling up inside…nor to the gravity that this one experience…this one kid…has produced in my life.

One of the scariest, but often most rewarding things we can pray is to ask God to give us the eyes to see what he sees and the heart to feel what he feels toward the people we encounter.  I pray that often…and prayed it every day leading up to and during my time in Haiti.  Ti-Junior was just one example of how that prayer was answered during this trip.  My heart breaks for that little kid, but I would have it no other way.  I feel helpless in looking at his situation, but I know it has/will change me forever…even if I’m just barely scratching the surface at what that change is today.  God used him in an incredible way, I can only pray that one day he will know and believe the Love that our Heavenly Father has for him…that he would realize he IS special, regardless of what lies the enemy may feed him as he processes the circumstances that have come to define his life thus far.