Tag Archives: God

Be Still…Know

Posted by Amy W in Christianity, life, Life Lessons From Church Planting and tagged with , , , , , , , ,

Life is sometimes a whirlwind.  Minutes quickly fade to hours and hours to days and days to months.  You wake up one morning and realize that in the very attempts to go through life, you forget what it is that allows you to truly live.

For months I found myself increasingly caught up in survival mode…”auto pilot”, as my pastor called it the other day.  Fall started out wonderful, school was good, church was good, work was changing, but good.  The pace picked up with the increasing changes.  Survival mode kicked in as I got really sick and tried to manage work + school.  Eventually in the hustle and bustle I either got way too busy, or a little disappointed in God that everything was hitting me at once.  Either way, everything was getting done, but the time between my talks with God grew longer and longer….  I was doing a lot…but somewhere along the way, in the course of months, I completely forgot to simply be.

We all go through these seasons of busyness.  Sometimes the distractions are truly distractions, but sometimes we get caught up in doing really good things – being responsible with our kids, our work, our school, and our church ministries.  We do, do, do…and we strive to do well.  What I find happens, however, is that in the race to do, we forget that first and foremost we must simply be.

In Psalm 46:10 we find this:

“Be still and know that I am God. I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted on the earth. 

A few weeks ago, I ran off to a women’s retreat.  It was the first time in months that I had really allowed myself to just sit and absorb encouragement, truth, and wait for whatever God had to speak to me.  On Saturday afternoon, I went for a walk by myself to pray, confess, and just decompress everything that was happening in life.  Being on the water, I wandered down this old pier and stood at the end.  The sun was shining, a breeze was blowing…and I just stood there.  Music played from my iPod, but the only words I kept hearing was “be still”.

“Be still, Amy.  KNOW that I am your sovereign LORD.”

 I closed my eyes and stood there, still, for nearly an hour.  Today I wandered around the National Arboretum in DC.  It was beautiful and while I was with friends, I found myself lost in thought many times…always coming back to those same words that whispered to me on the pier a few weeks before.

Be still and know.

I strive. I fight.  I burn out.  Work continues.  Ministry and opportunity continue to grow…I look and want to understand what I can do to grow our prayer team.  How can I encourage those around me to seek the Lord and grow in their relationship with him?  I default to find things I can, could, would, should do…when really I need to LISTEN to this verse that keeps invading my brain and simply take the time to be still.  I need to be available to Him again, seeking His voice and His word, knowing full well how sweet His active presence is in our lives…sigh.

Pain Like A Broken Record

Posted by Amy W in Dating & Relationships, life, singleness, Uncategorized and tagged with , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Do you know what today is?  I wish I didn’t know…

For nearly two months I looked forward to March 30, 2012.  It was the start of 6 days of dates and adventures with the California Kid to see what kind of chemistry was between us and to then discuss what our thoughts were regarding a relationship and what that might look like if we both wanted to move forward.  I made reservations for a sunset cruise where we could wander off for a few hours exploring the Chesapeake Bay and one of the old light houses that line the shores.  I bought bus tickets to go to New York City to explore things not yet seen by either of us.  I bought a few random things that I was going to send him as teasers leading up to our dates.  All those beautifully silly, but sweet things people do when things are new and exciting in relationships I did and was doing when reality showed up.

And now today.  I was fine today…at least until I sat in my hairdresser’s chair to get my hair cut.  Yes, I postponed my scheduled haircut for this afternoon.  I figured that would allow me to have great hair for at least 2 days…including that most important moment – the first look that we would share when we finally saw each other in person for the first time since January.  I would be standing there in the airport terminal with a huge smile, looking cute, great hair, holding one of those silly airport signs that the limo drivers always have for the people they are picking up.  We knew each other already, but I thought it would be funny to have a sign for him.

Anyways, the hairdresser was curious why I delayed my appointment so I explained the story.  Drove home afterwards and now that’s all I can seem to think about.

Part of me still wishes this was some horrible, ill-planned April Fool’s joke.

I know a lot of girls can relate to feeling this way at one time or another.  We get all disillusioned because one…or many guys seem to break our hearts.  Sometimes we look for and fall into bad relationships.  Or, like me, maybe you feel like the bad relationships seem to find you and leave you grossly disappointed.  Same pain, different story…right?  Like ground-hog day gone bad or a broken record haunting every opportunity that comes your way.  The crap keeps flying until we have so many walls and trust issues that we over-guard ourselves…inevitably leading us to run from or shut down even the good possibilities for relationships that appear before us.

It’s not meant to be this way…

It can’t be

This can’t be how the heart of a woman was meant to be handled, but it happens.

Well intentioned people (often the ones who are married with little babies) tell you that this seemingly evasive love will find you when you least expect it and especially when you’re not looking for it.  Well crap also happens when you least expect it and if you’re not careful, you’ll walk right through it if you’re not keeping an eye on where you’re walking…especially in areas frequented by horses and dogs.

So, as I should be allowed, I find myself venting.  Getting these crappy feelings out before they brew something toxic and destructive inside.  Ultimately, I’m really sad today, but not because I did anything wrong.  I am still confident in my beauty and identity as a woman.  My self-esteem is not shot.  I am simply sad because at the end of the day I want to make memories and share life with someone…and today would have marked the start of 6 days of memories made seeking adventure and possibility with someone who, if I’m honest, made me feel great for almost 2 months.  Built on lies…and like the straw house made by the piggies…it all fell down when the big bad wolf huffed and puffed and blew my way.

I am sad today…and perhaps will be on and off for a few days hereafter…but I know in the grand scheme of things, all will be okay.

How do I know?

LADIES!!!  Mark my words: A disappointing end to one possibility at love does not have to completely unravel us.  Circumstances and relationships change, but God does not change…therefore, when our Faith is placed in Him, that too can stand unchanged.  It’s okay to feel sad and it’s okay to acknowledge that things kinda suck right now.  BUT it’s not okay to let someone else take the ground out from under you…especially when everything about God’s character should point to the fact that nothing…or no one can separate us from His Love.  With Him and by that very love expressed in a multitude of God’s characteristics we can stand.  The ground may continue to rumble beneath us, but He will hold us up…Heck, He might even encourage us to move forward…step by step we can move on to whatever life or adventure awaits us next…

K…I’m done.  My Ben and Jerry’s is melting (well, the gluten free alternative is melting)…let’s stop sulking, finish our pints of chocolate goodness, and move on to the life that awaits…we only get one shot at it…and no man is so great that he should be given the power to take our joy away…especially when we remember the source of said joy and the love He wants to share with us each day, including today  :-)

Love Today

Posted by Amy W in Christianity, Dating & Relationships, life, singleness and tagged with , , , , , , , , , , , ,

“A hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life”  ~Proverbs 13:12

I have quoted this verse many times.  It was my staple verse while I was surrendering Japan and missions in Japan…committing to God that I would hold that desire open-handed.  It comes to mind often when I talk to others.  This past weekend I shared it with someone in a conversation.  This morning another friend posted it as a status update on Facebook.

This afternoon I realized how relevant it was for me to ponder once again.  A co-worker pulled me aside to share with me a comment made by another co-worker on Friday.  A few people were standing around Friday talking about me and what I found out on Thursday.   You see, my co-workers were there when I got the flowers…and the fruit.  They were also there when I found the picture that exposed all the lies for what they really were.  I was not there for the talk, but apparently one of the guys made a comment about how much his heart went out to me  remarking that he had never seen anyone respond the way that I had when I carried the gifts from him up to my desk.

I know I was excited, but was it that different?  And if so, what made it stand out from other women’s reactions to these things?

After hearing this and continuing to have Proverbs 13:12 come to mind over and over today I realized that for me, at the time of receiving them, those flowers and things, carried a possibility for me of something that I have waited for so long to have.  I was so flippin’ happy.  I never got gifts delivered to work before!  Perhaps that joy and excitement was a small glimpse of what it feels like to have that one deferred hope finally fulfilled.  If so, I can’t wait to experience that hope fulfilled for real.  When backed by the hand of God and based on a foundation that is 100% true and right…

beautiful.

I hope these co-workers get to see that day, too.  They know how long I’ve waited and continue to wait.  Maybe somehow God would shine through it…and they would not just see a woman who is really happy, but that they would see my Father and his love…and His delight that comes in fulfilling the desires of our hearts in accordance with His purposes.  yes!

All of this is great and wonderful to think about, but what about today?  I mean, my hope is a little beaten up and still very deferred.  I sat at home for the first night alone, no homework, and no guy that’s going to call me on his drive to/from work tonight to talk and tell me goodnight.  My iPhone has gotten quiet.  It’s a little weird and I can’t help but wonder, now what?

I know I’m not the only one waiting and holding something open-handed.  I know several who are waiting and trusting for financial situations to clear, for a baby to be conceived, waiting and trusting for a job, and for a child to be healed.  Just because we wait does not mean that life has to stop.  Children’s author Louise Erdrich once said:

“Here I am, where I ought to be”

Today is happening and purposeful and not something to miss.   BUT instead of dreaming and waiting for the next big thing to come our way we can rejoice that today is incredibly purposeful, in spite of our own hopes deferred.  No matter what we are waiting for, life doesn’t happen once we finally get that thing we’re waiting to see…it is happening now.  We can wait for everything our hearts desire while also actively engaging in the present and all that God has before us today.

Vulnerability & Foolishness

Posted by Amy W in Dating & Relationships, Jesus, life and tagged with , , , , , , , , , ,

Where do I begin?  So there was this guy (there’s always a guy, isn’t there?).  I found him attractive, funny, friendly, and sharp…I also felt a twinge of chemistry that I had not felt since I dated Mike.  Our first encounter, it took me by surprise.  Months later, our second encounter left us on a couch talking all night long.  After that, the text messages started.  Then the calls and Skyping.  He planned a trip to come “sightseeing” in Washington DC.  Eventually it led to him wanting to see me as much as possible…us planning several days in DC and a few in New York City.  He sent me 18 roses and a few weeks later a basket of fruit from edible arrangements, along with a few balloons.  Notes and texts that led me to believe that his interest was real and that he sincerely wanted to discover what was going on between us.

I was excited about the adventure dates to “see where this would lead”.  I was excited at the newness of interest.  I was excited because of what we had in common and being able to talk about our industry and have the other person understand.  To find someone I was really attracted to.  To find someone who I could be silly and just laugh with.  It was simply exciting and I was open in ways that I don’t think I have been since breaking up with Mike in 2004.  And let’s be honest, it feels great to hear a guy tell you you’re beautiful and to shower you with gifts, doesn’t it?

Sometimes when “things” feel good…or when they feed desires that we badly want filled…or when we have someone saying to us all the things we wish someone would finally say to us, we get fuzzy judgement.  We might be less inclined to stick to our gut.  We ignore the red flags for the sake of attaining the love that we ultimately long for.  It happens to even the best of us if the circumstances were right.  Many times over the past 6 or 7 years, words of Beth Moore have haunted me.  In a talk to college-aged girls she challenged them with this:

“sometimes girls we have this hunch that there is something off or dark or mysterious about a man.  Sometimes it’s our own insecurity and issues that we need to deal with, but often times it’s not…and we need to run as fast as we can in the other direction.“

I have been blessed or cursed to be a fairly intuitive person.  My intuition screams loudly at times…and when I’ve finally listened to it, I’ve only discovered that my intuition (some might call it discernment) was spot on.  I can only think of one instance where I was “off”…and that had nothing to do with me being in a relationship.

Such was the case with my most recent “Mr. Wonderful”.  Saying the right things, doing the right things.  And acting like he was interested.  Yet still, the warnings from others who called him out by name.  The things that didn’t quite seem right in the smaller details of our interactions.  The inconsistencies.  Finally, thanks to the internet, baby registries, and Facebook, I was able to discover the truth about his “other life”…a life he lied about for 2 months.

Several weeks ago I sat in a bible study and told some ladies that I felt like I was playing with fire…enjoying the possibility of what could be, but also aware that this was not the path that God wanted me to walk.  I told friends in an email update.  Hoping that someone would call me out or Pray me out of this situation that I had allowed to grow.  Even as we got closer to our big date adventure I found myself telling God that I needed him to get me out of this if HE knew I was about to get burned or that I could do something I would later regret.  Today, God stepped in and saved me from myself.

I know I am a fool.  God gives me moments of wisdom, but I’ve been known to make my own stupid decisions and judgements.  At the end of the day I am simply a girl who longs to share this journey with another who is also chasing after Him…a longing that has allowed more than enough heart ache into my life.  I don’t know what would have happened exactly, but I realize that had it gone to those days of Adventurous April, my heart would have been a tangled mess.  Finding what I did today made me upset, sure, but now I’m feeling like I can easily and readily walk away with no major regrets or moral failures on my part.  I am grossly imperfect, but incredibly thankful that God stepped in and protected me from myself and my heart from what could have unfolded in the weeks and months ahead.

No matter how long we walk with God, we continue to need him.  The longer I walk with the Lord, the more I see it.  Perhaps that need even grows in increasing measure … as His presence and Truth is enabled to live more fully in and through us and the enemy rises to attack the work that God is doing.  I know Satan only fights where God is at work, so I can’t help but ask…Jesus, what’s next?

Surprised By Grace

Posted by Amy W in Life Lessons From Church Planting, women in ministry and tagged with , , , , , , ,

In about a week, my church will celebrate it’s one year birthday.  Though there was a growing team of people meeting for a little while longer than that, it was a year ago that they had the “launch service” – the service that marked the official start of the church.

I was there at the launch service – my first time at this new church.  I had been praying for changes in my life and, more specifically, a new church when a flyer showed up at my door.  I went that first week and have been going ever since.

This past weekend we had our church’s first Woman’s Retreat.  We had space for 30 women to go, and after some last minute cancellations and fill-ins we arrived at the site with 29 women + 1 speaker.

Even though this was my first ever retreat for women, I ended up being part of the planning team.  My responsibility was to prepare a prayer room (which also meant encouraging the prayer team ladies to sign up and help pull something together) and then at the last minute was asked to be a discussion group leader  when another was unable to fill the slot.  Immediately after the first planning meeting, the prayer team started praying for the event and for the ladies that God would be bringing this weekend.

Leading up to the retreat, our prayer team came up with some ideas for the prayer room and we scrambled together supplies.  By 3 PM Friday, we were at the house.  We walk in the door only to realize that the prayer room is an open space just off the main entrance filled with a hot tub and exercise equipment.

As we started processing the difficult situation before us, I thought of a dear friend who loved the quote, “when life gives you lemons, make lemonade” and encouraged the team that we can still make this space work if we get a little creative.  We moved some of the exercise equipment out of the room, we rearranged the remaining pieces, plugged in a few night lights, and found 2 dividers to create “walls” where none existed.  When the prayer room opened that night, it actually turned out to be a pretty decent space.  Once we were done setting up, the prayer team walked the entire house praying over spaces, rooms, and each attendee by name.

Later that night the guests arrive…and God starts to work.

Over the course of the weekend I saw girls engaged in conversations, connecting, laughing, and relaxing.  We were encouraged and challenged by our wonderful speaker.  In discussion groups, the women opened up and “got real” about what was going on in their life and what God was (or wasn’t) doing.  Tissues went flying, we cooked too much food, and I think we even got a complaint called in to the local authorities because we were being “way too loud” during worship.

Sunday afternoon, I was the last person to use the prayer room.  I sat there praying and praising, feeling completely overwhelmed by what God had done:

  • Women who I know have been seeking community and feeling like they “don’t fit in” sincerely connected with at least 1 new person, if not more on this trip.
  • Several women had very deep and personal encounters with God…the Holy Spirit was so evident by Sunday morning’s worship session that you could taste it.
  • I “peeked in” on the prayer room several times over the weekend to see women praying, having their devotional, and partaking in the prayer room activity.
  • We didn’t have Sunday morning discussion groups, because by the end of the talk and worship time, 2 women had decided that they wanted to get baptized.  Everyone ran out to watch and celebrate on the beach together.  One of these women gave me the honor to be one of the two to go in the water to baptize her.

By Sunday night I found myself overwhelmed again as I saw the connections and comments flying across the walls of the ladies’ Facebook pages.  (oh the movements of His hand may I never miss…)

I think it’s funny to know God and have faith in God, but then find ourselves surprised by what He actually does in different situations.  Months ago I confessed how scared I was that I might not be able to do what He had called me to do.  I am continually brought back to God’s exhortation to Moses that the fruit of his obedience would be a sign to him that God has sent him.  This weekend I felt like I saw and was affirmed that God has not only brought me and others to this place for this time, but gave me a personal reminder of HOW BIG HE IS.  Sometimes God moves to show the unbelieving generations who he is…and at other times He moves to remind his children that he alone is God.

I left Sunday afternoon feeling a strong conviction that I need to obey him and be present in the service and ministry opportunities He has put before me, today.  Being obedient here and now will move me into whatever plans he has for me in 1 months, or 6 months or years into the future.  They may be different, or more of the same.  Regardless, if I focus too much on what may or may not lie ahead, I might miss the beautiful movement of his Hand today.   This weekend I saw His hand…and I am in awe at how good, tender, and completely faithful He is to His daughters.

As I reflect on all that happened, I find myself especially surprised by grace. You see, it is the grace that comes from Christ that enables us to stand as a co-laborer with Him, appointed to bear fruit for His Glory (2 Cor 6:1, John 15:16).  We are able to serve out a calling  (no matter how big or small it may seem) because of His Grace.  We do not deserve it, nor are we entitled to it…yet, we are allowed to experience it.

I am not in any way responsible for what happened this weekend, but I am tasting the sweet blessing that comes from the steps of obedience that have been placed before me and the team of people I serve with.  I don’t know if it is the culmination of months of praying and planning, or if it the simple realization that God is living and active today, either way this feeling…this “surprised by grace” place is one I hope to sit in for as long as He’ll let me.